An Interview with Hida Amoro (with Special Field Reporter Horiuchi MeiMei)

 

 

Kakita Brent: Hi folks! We have a special announcement for all of our viewers at home...

Mirumoto Chris (interrupting): Please tell me that you hired some Kaiu engineers to build us an Interviewing Temple that won't fall over whenever a Clan Champion we're interviewing goes nuts.

Kakita Brent: Nah, I went one better than that. I hired a field reporter to interview the kind of people who are prone to leveling provinces like this one. I told her that if she could unearth anyone worth interviewing, we may keep her around.

Mirumoto Chris: That doesn't sound too bad. So who is our new reporter? I sure hope it's not some crazy Phoenix girl.

Kakita Brent: Umm... you're right on at least one of those counts. Without further ado I'd like to introduce, on location... wherever she is... Horiuchi MeiMei!

Horiuchi MeiMei: Hello guys! It's great to be working with you two now!

Mirumoto Chris: So who will you be interviewing tonight? 

Horiuchi MeiMei: Brent told me to go interview anyone I could dig up, so here I am at the Unquiet Grave of Hida Amoro. Just listen.

 

(Various graveyard background noises.)

Horiuchi MeiMei: Pretty creepy, huh?

Voice from Below: Brraaaiiiinnnnssss....

Horiuchi MeiMei (scared): Sweet Shinsei! What was that?

Mirumoto Chris (to Kakita Brent): You told her to go interview a zombie?!? She could get her brain eaten! You know that we can't afford a new reporter for every interview.

Kakita Brent: Well, those weren't my exact words, but think of it this way: if she survives interviewing a zombie, she'll be ready for anything. 

Horiuchi MeiMei (continuing, oblivious to the argument going on): I hope I don't have to be here all night waiting for Amoro. I don't see him around anywhere. Maybe if I try the knocker on this tombstone over here... 

 

*knock* *knock* *knock*

(Some rumbling noises under the earth)

Horiuchi MeiMei: *shudder* I hope that's him and not what I think it is. (Calling out) Amoro-san? Is that you?

(Suddenly, a hand bursts out of the ground in front of the tombstone and pulls a rotting carcass out of the earth with it.)

Horiuchi MeiMei: Yikes! It's the Fruity Yummy Mummy!

Hida Amoro (indignantly): I am not a mummy! I don't know what I am anymore, but I know I'm not a mummy.

Horiuchi MeiMei: I'm sorry. Sajihir was telling us the creepiest Burning Sands horror stories last night. My name is Horiuchi MeiMei and I'm here to interview you for Kyuden Ryu.

Hida Amoro: I guess I don't have anything better to do right now. Go ahead.

Horiuchi MeiMei: So what's it like dying a second time? Is it any different when it happens again?

Hida Amoro: I suppose nobody's told the living, breathing citizens of the Empire yet, but the memory's the first thing to go after you die. Skin and flesh are close seconds though.

Horiuchi MeiMei: It's okay, you don't have to elaborate on those last two. May we switch places? I'd rather be upwind from you. *cough* *gag*

Hida Amoro: Oh sure. Complain about the smell. That's all you living ever do. If I still had my nose, would I complain about you smelling like horses? Huh?

Horiuchi MeiMei: Umm... moving on, I hear that you've gotten reunited with your living family again. How did that work out?

Hida Amoro: Surprisingly well, considering that the Crab are the Clan least likely to welcome the living dead inside their homes. When I got there, I was jabbed, prodded, hung upside down, and finally roasted slowly over an open flame.

Hida Amoro (Nostalgically) Boy, they sure train Crab kids good nowadays.

Horiuchi MeiMei: Ouch. But you still stuck around after being treated like that?

Hida Amoro: Oh yeah. We Crabs have to go through worse just to get our morning coffee. Especially when we're dead.

Horiuchi MeiMei: So what happened after that?

Hida Amoro: After the Kuni Witch Hunters got done with me, I told them the Shadow was erasing the Empire's past and that I knew where their post-erasure party was going to be held in Volturnum. O-Ushi wanted to go crash the party right away, but they also wanted to wait for the Lion to arrive so they could take them out and show them a good time. But you know the Lion. It took them six months to get across the Empire the short way. O-Ushi was getting impatient so she was going to flip that purple pansy of a husband...

Horiuchi MeiMei (interrupting): Hey!

Hida Amoro (ignores MeiMei and continues): ... and have someone call 'head' or 'tailbone' when we heard a knock on the door. Sure enough, it was the entire Lion army. We found out that they took so long because Tsanuri kept pulling over and asking ashigaru for directions. They're the best tacticians in the Empire, but take them away from the battlefield and they can't even follow a straight line.

Horiuchi MeiMei: You don't need to tell me that twice. I have a few more questions for you though.

Hida Amoro: Go ahead.

Horiuchi MeiMei: What do you think of the latest batch of berserkers from your Clan?

Hida Amoro: *sigh* These guys are a joke. I met this little dude Hiruma Yugure - I think he had to get his daddy to pull some strings to get him in too - but he's more likely to kill his own men than anyone he's fighting. Kids today just don't understand that berserking takes some style. Yugure just takes his katana and spins in circles! If he's every in my army, I'll straighten him out but good.

Horiuchi MeiMei (under her breath): Yeah right, if he doesn't take you out first.

Hida Amoro: What was that?

Horiuchi MeiMei: *mock cough* Sorry, I was just clearing my throat. Next question: how did you get to be so eloquent for an undead berserker?

Hida Amoro: Running around all day yelling "Amoro smash!" is fine, but you just can't tell good war stories with such a limited vocabulary. Your audience gets bored quickly if your story is just saying "I smash! I smashed them good! I crush!" and you just can't set up for any kind of good endings like that. It's because of that that I enjoy telling tales of the day's battle nowadays. Well, that and now I'm in charge of troops capable of understanding more than simple phrases, not like those Plague Zombies. I still miss the rotten bastards though. I wonder how they're doing?

Horiuchi MeiMei: I don't know and I'm not about to find out. You also seem to be a lot calmer nowadays. Can you shed any light on that for us?

Hida Amoro: Well, I've learned that that which does not kill me doesn't matter and that which does kill me makes me stronger. Once you realize that, nothing irritates you anymore so you're just not as cranky. At least that's how it works for me.

Horiuchi MeiMei: So even if I told you that if you'd just died a couple of years later, you could have walked right out of Jigoku fine and dandy like a normal person and not a rotting heap of bones like you are now, you'd be okay with that?

Hida Amoro (there would be a funny glint is his eyes if he still had them as his mind snaps): Amoro smash! Amoro crush! Amoro pissed off! Gwaaaaa!!!

Horiuchi MeiMei (running for her horse): I think that's about all we have time for today. Back to you guys at the Temple.

Kakita Brent: I don't think that turned out too bad, did it?

Mirumoto Chris: Only if MeiMei is able to escape safely. Maybe we shouldn't give her assignments like that anymore.

Kakita Brent: Do you want to interview Kuwanan the next time he's in the area?

Mirumoto Chris: Point taken. Good night everyone!