Kakita Brent: Hi
folks! We have a special announcement for all of our viewers at home...
(interrupting): Please tell me that you hired some Kaiu engineers to build
us an Interviewing Temple that won't fall over whenever a Clan Champion we're
interviewing goes nuts.
Kakita Brent: Nah,
I went one better than that. I hired a field reporter to interview the kind of
people who are prone to leveling provinces like this one. I told her that if she
could unearth anyone worth interviewing, we may keep her around.
That doesn't sound too bad. So who is our new reporter? I sure hope it's not
some crazy Phoenix girl.
Umm... you're right on at least one of those counts. Without further ado I'd
like to introduce, on location... wherever she is... Horiuchi MeiMei!
Hello guys! It's great to be working with you two now!
So who will you be interviewing tonight?
Brent told me to go interview anyone I could dig up, so here I am at the Unquiet
Grave of Hida Amoro. Just listen.
(Various graveyard background noises.)
Pretty creepy, huh?
Voice from Below:
(scared): Sweet Shinsei! What was that?
Mirumoto Chris (to
Kakita Brent): You told her to go interview a zombie?!? She could get her
brain eaten! You know that we can't afford a new reporter for every interview.
Well, those weren't my exact words, but think of it this way: if she survives
interviewing a zombie, she'll be ready for anything.
Horiuchi MeiMei (continuing, oblivious to the argument going on): I hope I don't have to be here all night waiting for Amoro. I don't see him around anywhere. Maybe if I try the knocker on this tombstone over here...
*knock* *knock* *knock*
(Some rumbling noises under the earth)
*shudder* I hope that's him and not what I think it is. (Calling out) Amoro-san?
Is that you?
(Suddenly, a hand bursts out of the ground in front of the
tombstone and pulls a rotting carcass out of the earth with it.)
Yikes! It's the Fruity Yummy Mummy!
(indignantly): I am not a mummy! I don't know what I am anymore, but I know
I'm not a mummy.
I'm sorry. Sajihir was telling us the creepiest Burning Sands horror stories
last night. My name is Horiuchi MeiMei and I'm here to interview you for Kyuden
Hida Amoro: I
guess I don't have anything better to do right now. Go ahead.
So what's it like dying a second time? Is it any different when it happens
Hida Amoro: I suppose nobody's told the living, breathing citizens of the Empire yet, but the memory's the first thing to go after you die. Skin and flesh are close seconds though.
It's okay, you don't have to elaborate on those last two. May we switch places?
I'd rather be upwind from you. *cough* *gag*
Hida Amoro: Oh
sure. Complain about the smell. That's all you living ever do. If I still had my
nose, would I complain about you smelling like horses? Huh?
Umm... moving on, I hear that you've gotten reunited with your living family
again. How did that work out?
Hida Amoro: Surprisingly well, considering that the Crab are the Clan least likely to welcome the living dead inside their homes. When I got there, I was jabbed, prodded, hung upside down, and finally roasted slowly over an open flame.
Hida Amoro (Nostalgically) Boy, they sure
train Crab kids good nowadays.
Ouch. But you still stuck around after being treated like that?
Hida Amoro: Oh
yeah. We Crabs have to go through worse just to get our morning coffee.
Especially when we're dead.
So what happened after that?
After the Kuni Witch Hunters got done with me, I told them the Shadow was
erasing the Empire's past and that I knew where their post-erasure party was
going to be held in Volturnum. O-Ushi wanted to go crash the party right away,
but they also wanted to wait for the Lion to arrive so they could take them out
and show them a good time. But you know the Lion. It took them six months to get
across the Empire the short way. O-Ushi was getting impatient so she was going
to flip that purple pansy of a husband...
Hida Amoro (ignores
MeiMei and continues): ... and have someone call 'head' or 'tailbone' when
we heard a knock on the door. Sure enough, it was the entire Lion army. We found
out that they took so long because Tsanuri kept pulling over and asking ashigaru
for directions. They're the best tacticians in the Empire, but take them away
from the battlefield and they can't even follow a straight line.
You don't need to tell me that twice. I have a few more questions for you
Hida Amoro: Go
What do you think of the latest batch of berserkers from your Clan?
*sigh* These guys are a joke. I met this little dude Hiruma Yugure - I think he
had to get his daddy to pull some strings to get him in too - but he's more
likely to kill his own men than anyone he's fighting. Kids today just don't
understand that berserking takes some style. Yugure just takes his katana and
spins in circles! If he's every in my army, I'll straighten him out but good.
(under her breath): Yeah right, if he doesn't take you out first.
Hida Amoro: What
*mock cough* Sorry, I was just clearing my throat. Next question: how did you
get to be so eloquent for an undead berserker?
Running around all day yelling "Amoro smash!" is fine, but you just
can't tell good war stories with such a limited vocabulary. Your audience gets
bored quickly if your story is just saying "I smash! I smashed them good! I
crush!" and you just can't set up for any kind of good endings like that.
It's because of that that I enjoy telling tales of the day's battle nowadays.
Well, that and now I'm in charge of troops capable of understanding more than
simple phrases, not like those Plague Zombies. I still miss the rotten bastards
though. I wonder how they're doing?
I don't know and I'm not about to find out. You also seem to be a lot calmer
nowadays. Can you shed any light on that for us?
Well, I've learned that that which does not kill me doesn't matter and that
which does kill me makes me stronger. Once you realize that, nothing irritates
you anymore so you're just not as cranky. At least that's how it works for me.
So even if I told you that if you'd just died a couple of years later, you could
have walked right out of Jigoku fine and dandy like a normal person and not a
rotting heap of bones like you are now, you'd be okay with that?
Hida Amoro (there
would be a funny glint is his eyes if he still had them as his mind snaps):
Amoro smash! Amoro crush! Amoro pissed off! Gwaaaaa!!!
(running for her horse): I think that's about all we have time for today.
Back to you guys at the Temple.
Kakita Brent: I
don't think that turned out too bad, did it?
Only if MeiMei is able to escape safely. Maybe we shouldn't give her assignments
like that anymore.
Kakita Brent: Do
you want to interview Kuwanan the next time he's in the area?
Point taken. Good night everyone!