An Interview with a Bloodsword (You asked for this…)

 

Kakita Brent: Is it here yet?

Mirumoto Chris: No.

Kakita Brent (Five seconds later): Is it here yet?

Mirumoto Chris: No…and stop asking me!

Bayushi James (knocking on Temple doors): Somebody order a Bloodsword? I got a delivery here for a "Judgment" for a Chris Miyra-moto…

Mirumoto Chris (sighing): That would be me…

Bayushi James: Well, here it is…where in Jigoku do you want it?

Kakita Brent (snatching up sword): I've got it!

Mirumoto Chris (blinking): I missed it! Where'd it go?

Bayushi James (stands uncomfortably): Um…now, about my…um, you know…

Kakita Brent: Check out this balance! This thing is sweet! The evil swords are ALWAYS the best!

Bayushi James (frowning): Yeah, yeah…sure. You know, it's been a long ride…price of oats being high…maybe one of you could, well…

Mirumoto Chris (ignoring the Bloodsword Delivery GuyTM): Well, everyone, because you asked for it. Brent, me…and a Bloodsword! Will you put that thing down so we can start?

Kakita Brent (pouting): OK…

Bayushi James (looking around): Who are you talking to, anyway?

Kakita Brent: Chris, I hate to bring up something like this, but…how do we talk to the sword?

Mirumoto Chris (smiling): Talking to it's easy…it's getting an answer that's hard!

THWACK!

Bayushi James: …Fine…I'll wait.

Mirumoto Chris (mad and hurt): Then sit down and wait! Just be quiet!

Kakita Brent: OK…here goes nothing… Hello, Judgment! We're all happy that you could be here today…um, Chris?

Mirumoto Chris: Well, first of all, you can finally tell me…was Iuchiban really that bad? I know that every story gets embellished over time; my thoughts are that he just needed a hobby or something. Care to set things straight?

Judgment (glinting in the light): …

Bayushi James (Looks at Brent, looks at Chris, looks at sword): …Weird.

Kakita Brent: Shaddup, you! It wasn't like this was OUR idea! It was the audience!

Bayushi James (looking around, again): Um…OK…

Mirumoto Chris: That's a touchy subject, I understand…maybe I did go a little too far, too fast…I apologize. Next question?

Kakita Brent (staring at the sword): Fine…so, Judgment…what's a typical day for you? I mean, I'm SURE that you have a lot to say on the subject, being an INANIMATE DEVICE AND ALL!

Judgment (glinting once more): …

Bayushi James (rooting around the Temple): There has to be something of value here…hey, what's this daisho stand worth? Looks pretty old…

Mirumoto Chris (ignoring Bayushi James): Don't take that tone of voice with our guests!

Kakita Brent: Or you'll do…what?

Mirumoto Chris (deep in thought): ………………………………………nothing?

Kakita Brent: Bingo!

Mirumoto Chris: Well, why don't you tell us about your younger days, before you became well known for causing death and mayhem among the daimyo of the Crab Clan. What was it like with the Anvil of Despair?

Kakita Brent (thinking): Yeah, who forged that thing again? Was it a Dragon?

Mirumoto Chris: Hey…we were young, and needed the money.

Judgment (glowing slightly): …

Bayushi James: Wonder where the can is? Hey guys, where's the…

Mirumoto Chris: Shhhhh…the sword is talking!

Kakita Brent: Yeah, Chris…don't want us interrupting the sword! By the way, it's down and to the left.

Mirumoto Chris: Now he's not talking…I missed it! Please you two, stop being such pains. Judgment, please continue…

Kakita Brent (trembling with rage): "Pains?"

Judgment (no longer glowing): …

Kakita Brent: Chris, can we stop? I understand that we did this as a debt of honor, but in case you didn't notice…it's not talking! I've got better things to do than this, and the poor delivery guy still needs paid!

Bayushi James (gesturing wildly): Yes, pay the delivery guy!

Mirumoto Chris (upset): I'm trying to do an interview here, Brent. If you and your little friend can't behave like adults…THEN JUST LEAVE.

Kakita Brent (Hand falling onto Judgment): "Adults?"

Kakita Brent (Eyes shining judgmentally): What do you know about hosting, anyway? You run this place in such an embarrassing way…it's slander to bushido! You dishonor your lord! You dishonor yourself, you grinning idiot! And cut your hair!

Mirumoto Chris (turning to Bloodsword Delivery GuyTM): This is all your fault, you realize…

Bayushi James (backing away from Brent): You ask for Bloodsword, you get Bloodsword! You can't talk to me like this, I'm in a union!

Mirumoto Chris: Which one? The Kolat?

Bayushi James: Yes! …And by "yes" I mean "no."

Kakita Brent (going into Chris's room): Look at this! Smut, smut, smut! Nothing but posters of women! Uona, Kachiko, Shizue… O MY KAMI, is that my sister? A samurai is supposed to be devoted to his lord…but I KNOW what you're devoted to!!!

Mirumoto Chris (yelling into room): They're just meditation aides!

Mirumoto Chris: I knew you were a Kolat! I can smell it a mile away!

Bayushi James: I withdraw my previous "yes" and change it to a "screw you, meditation boy!"

Kakita Brent (re-entering main room): And the construction of this temple is laughable! You have no engineering skills! Since when do squares have five sides?

Mirumoto Chris: Creative license?

Bayushi James: So that's why it leans…

Kakita Brent (hands clutching Judgment): There is only one way for the two of you to cleanse your souls of these failings…and that is with the purity of death…

Bayushi James (dashing out the door): Gottagobye!

Mirumoto Chris (eyes big): I miss Togashi…he never threatened to kill me…

The End (for now…?)