An Interview with Daigotsu

Kakita Brent: All right, you better hand him over.  I've got enough beefs with you already, you stupid comic-book supervillain; no need to make me add kidnapping to the list...

Daigotsu (calmly sitting on throne): Once again...who are you and WHAT are you looking for?

Kakita Brent: Man, we're getting that a lot recently...it's not that hard!  Your tainted Mantis allies kidnapped a friend of mine!  Now hand him over before I take this jade and do something you regret!

Daigotsu (chuckling): Jade?  Is that you Rokugani's answer for everything?  Stick something green in it?

Kakita Brent: Actually, jade comes in many colors...

Daigotsu: Silence!  I have kidnapped no Dragon, and if you're talking about Kokujin then take him!  I can't get the psychotic moocher to leave except when he's searching for godhood, and even then he sends me the most incomprehensible messages!  But I warn you, little Crane, do not test my patience!  I am Daigotsu, the most powerful Lord of all the Shadowlands; Fu Leng's favored, the Fifth Wind!

Kakita Brent (rolling eyes and lowering jade): Yeah, and thanks for ruining the entire concept of the 'Four Winds' Storyline...not that the original Winds weren't doing that well enough on their own.  Though in all fairness, a real Wind would be playable by more than one Faction...

Daigotsu: Yeah, because you see all kinds of honor decks packing Akodo Kaneka...  It's not like it matters; I already have an Empire.

Kakita Brent: Point taken.  Speaking of that 'have an Empire' crap, what in Doji's name is up with all this war, then?  You keep getting heralded as being "the thinking man's evildoer," so why are you continually messing with every clan?  We can't go two weeks without some Shadowlands attack!  Did you even read what happened at the Day of Thunder?  If you want this Empire, then stop messing with ours!

Daigotsu: Hey, don't blame me if Lord Fu Leng is striking you down...

Kakita Brent: You were the one who freed Fu Leng!  You destroyed Otosan Uchi, despite the daming Kotei results on the contrary!  And Kyuden Nio!  Your Onisu...which I might add are the most cliched demons EVER...keep killing random samurai!  You tainted the Kaiu Wall, and Daidoji Megumi, and killed Asahina Kimita, Hida Kuon, Asako Ryoma and a ton of other people!

Daigotsu: Hey, I offered peace and look what it got me! <shows new arm>  I tried to meet you halfway!

Kakita Brent: O MY KAMI!  You made that offer in the middle of Otosan Uchi, while conducting a Bloodspeaker ritual in the Throne Room!  Not exactly 'neutral ground.'

Daigotsu: Yeah, but I...hmm.  Yes, yes that might have been a bit of a mistake, you're right.  Not that it matters; I have a backup plan for this situation...

Kakita Brent (shaking head): No you don't.

Daigotsu: You doubt my power?

Kakita Brent: Among other facilities, yes.  Every time you lose, even a little, you always chuckle maniacally and say "all is going according to plan" or something like that!  I mean, come on Daigotsu, no one's buying it anymore!  We kill the Onisu...mwa ha ha, I'll just bring them back!  You killed Kyoden...mwa, ha, ha, yadda, yadda...Toturi Tsudao chopped your own arm off!  I'm sure the Oracle of Jade won't be a problem either, because you PLANNED to lose the Celestial Jitte, and the Steel Throne too, right?  Admit it, you're just making this up as you go!

Daigotsu: Hey, don't think for a few minutes that whole arm thing wasn't a HUGE inconvenience!  You samurai...you're doing a great job, really.  Keep it up.

Kakita Brent (sighing heavily): I never really appreciated the Iris Festival until right now...and don't think that girlie hair of yours will deter me from smacking you...

Daigotsu (rising from throne): I knew it!  Even the Crane thinks so!  Damn Omoni, I told him that this looks stupid! <tucking hair behind ears furiously>

Kakita Brent: Yeah.  So anyway, I guess I'll buy that you have nothing to do with kidnapping Chris...after all, if you had, I'm sure that you would be explaining your "master plan" to me right now.  So, I guess I'll be going now...

Daigotsu: Master plan?  Do you...do you really want to hear it?  It's a good one...

Kakita Brent (walking towards doors): No, no I'm good.

Daigotsu: But, but I have an inescapable death-trap in the back and...

Kakita Brent: Nope, sorry, can't help you.

Daigotsu (looking around): Guards, seize the Crane!  Take him to the...

Kakita Brent (still approaching door): Guards are on break.  Thank your new "Equality in the Wastes" campaign.  Can't fight the unions, right?  Keep civilizing the Shadowlands, by the way...might I suggest adding telemarketers and income tax next?

Daigotsu (pulling hair in frustration): ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!

Kakita Brent (turning to Daigotsu): Oh, and for future reference...that's how you do evil.

To Be Continued...