An Interview with Doji Hoturi

Kakita Brent: Hello, and welcome to the Interviewing Temple of the Dragon Clan. We have a beautiful day here at... no, wait. That's not right. Anyway, we are here to speak with the most fabulous of the fab, deadliest of the deadly...

Mirumoto Christopher: Um... we are doing interviews, folks.

Kakita Brent: I was getting to that! And now, direct from Jigoku or the Esteemed House of the Crane, depending on timing, the duelist superiorist, the master of the blade, the Numero Uno Thunder, and player to women around Rokugan...

Mirumoto Christopher: Doji Hoturi!!! It's friggin' Doji Hoturi, okay?

Kakita Brent (smiling sheepishly): I was almost there.

Mirumoto Christopher: Sigh...on with the show.

Doji Hoturi (smiling winningly): Greetings, honorable Kakita-san.

Kakita Brent: Most gracious Champion...how's things?

Doji Hoturi: OK.

Kakita Brent: First question...what's being dead like?

Doji Hoturi: Why do you ask?

Kakita Brent: ...................

Mirumoto Christopher: Um...no one told you? Jeez, this is kind of odd...

Doji Hoturi: Spit it out, man!

Kakita Brent: Well, Hoturi-sama...you died saving Rokugan from the terror of Fu Leng.

Mirumoto Christopher: And Toturi became the new Emperor!!!

Doji Hoturi: Hmm...well then, death isn't too bad. And about Toturi...that's great!

Mirumoto Christopher: But then...he became a ninja.

Doji Hoturi: What?

Kakita Brent: Um...on to other things...let's talk about your personal life, O' dueling one.

Doji Hoturi: Shoot.

Mirumoto Christopher: I gotta ask...I've heard this rumor around...maybe you can enlighten me...Matsu Tsuko?

Doji Hoturi: ...We're just friends.

Kakita Brent: She's a Lion!

Doji Hoturi: OK, so we're not "just friends."

Mirumoto Christopher: On to other things! This is getting dangerous.

Kakita Brent: So...do you hold any resentment for, although you forgave Kachiko and all that, that Toturi got the +1 Personal Honor instead of you?

Doji Hoturi (frowning slightly): Not really...you say the ninja got him?

Mirumoto Christopher: Yep.

Doji Hoturi: Then I hold no resentment at all...heh, heh, heh.

Mirumoto Christopher: I must ask you about your brother. What do you think about "modern" Kuwanan...you know, following your...um, death.

Doji Hoturi: I think he looks a little too much like Yul Brenner.

Mirumoto Christopher (pointing at Kakita Brent): I told you! Even HE thinks so!

Doji Hoturi: But he is my brother, and the Clan Champion right now...so respect him.

Mirumoto Christopher (looking a little afraid): You got it!

Kakita Brent (shaking head): One final question, your Championness...

Doji Hoturi (looking at passing geisha): Huh? O' sure, why not?

Kakita Brent: Well, you of course know of your reputation...

Doji Hoturi: As a swordsman?

Kakita Brent: No.

Doji Hoturi: A diplomat? Battle Commander?

Kakita Brent: Um...no.

Mirumoto Christopher: You know...um...

Doji Hoturi (smiling winningly again): O', my "other" dueling skills...

Kakita Brent: I suppose so...at any rate, how many women have you...dueled?

Doji Hoturi (counting for several minutes): What's the population of Rokugan again?

Mirumoto Christopher: This is terrifying!

Doji Hoturi (winking): Let's say the top ten percent of every clan...and plenty of unaligned, too.

Kakita Brent: O-MY-KAMI...

Mirumoto Christopher: ...Wow.

Doji Hoturi (picking up daisho): This has been great, guys! Reminding me of the better days...I can't believe I'm dead. I mean, I feel great, regardless!

Mirumoto Christopher: The Dragon Clan would like to thank you for your visit, honorable Hoturi-sama. Please consider yourself welcome...wait, you dropped something...

Kakita Brent (picking up paper): This is Kachiko's phone number! Can I have this? Please?

Doji Hoturi (shrugging): Sure, why not? I have it memorized anyway.

Mirumoto Christopher: Before you leave, one more thing. You've been out and about...any final thoughts on the state of Rokugan?

Doji Hoturi: Kachiko vs. Shosuro...ick. Toshiken vs. my old teacher Toshimoko...ick. The Shadow vs. the Clans...ick.

Kakita Brent: I sense a pattern forming.

Mirumoto Christopher (looking at Kakita Brent): You too?

Doji Hoturi: But honor will triumph, so long as good men continue to try.

Kakita Brent (waving as Hoturi walks into the sunset...and the geisha house): How true.

Mirumoto Christopher: As long as good men try to do what?

Kakita Brent: Sigh...well, that's all folks. Thank you for visiting. It's been great!

Mirumoto Christopher: Come back next time, same Dragon Clan Time, same Dragon Clan Channel, for our next exciting interview with none other than "Our Lady" Hitomi!

Kakita Brent: What? No, man...no. I mean it, I'm not going to do it!

The End (for now)