An Interview with Hakumei

Bayushi James: Um, Brent...is this the 'nexus into the world of evil' that you were talking about?

Kakita Brent (from kitchen): Yes, that would be it.

Bayushi James: And would you care to explain who removed all the duct tape from it...

Kakita Brent (returning with Squeezy Cheese sandwich): Oh, I did that.  I invited somebody.

Bayushi James: Umm...can I have my money now, please?  I mean, I've had some bad ideas, but don't you think that bringing someone in is something of a really bad idea...what if they find out what you did to their Obsidian Champion?

Kakita Brent: Never mind, this one's one of the good guys!  It's a Crane ninja!

Bayushi James: Even so, I...you...a what?

Kakita Brent: A Crane Ninja!  Isn't that just awesome!  Uji trained her, and just think about it!  I wonder what a Crane Ninja will look like; I mean, we're fashionable, so she'll definitely look really cool!

Bayushi James: I repeat...A WHAT?

<The portal opens...a figure slinks in>

Kakita Brent (staring in awe): O...MY...KAMI...

Bayushi James: Wow, this Hakumei really is a great ninja...she's concealed herself perfectly behind this perfectly cliched ninja!  Scorpion beware!

Hakumei: \/\/4+ch !t B4y00sh!; !’11 +4k3 j00 0ut…K4k!+4, 1s h3 k3\/\/1?

Beware, Scorpion.  I will claim your life...my Kakita kinsman, can he be trusted?

Bayushi James (confused): What the...?

Kakita Brent: She's talking in Cadence; h3y s!s, n0 n33d t00 ph34r.  H3's 0n th3 g00d s!d3...

Do not fear him, friend.  He is an ally to the cause.

Bayushi James (grabbing Brent): I will give you a million koku if you stop that now.  Just ask the ninja girl a question...in the common tongue, if you please.

Hakumei (looking around): \/\/31+ 4 s3c0n[)…+h!s p14c3 !s n0t l!k3 h0m3…

Hold a moment...this all seems strange to me...

Bayushi James: Stop doing that!

Kakita Brent: Sheesh, she just commented on how this place looks different.  Actually Hakumei-chan, this is the world where the Thunders won the fight against Fu Leng.  The world is...um, slightly less crappy and taint-infused than the one that you're used to.  So, how'd you become a ninja, anyway...you one of those 'Living Darkness' types?

Hakumei: N0 \/\/4y s\/\/0r[)m4s+3r; 00j!-s4m4 sh0\/\/3d m3 m! l337 m00\/s!  !’m k3\/\/1.

That is not the case at all, great duelist.  Master Uji showed me how to master the moves of the shadows.  I am a skilled warrior.

Bayushi James: I think I caught some of that...but if you're not a Living Darkness ninja, apparently, then what's going on with them?  Fu Leng's got the Empire, right?  So, does that mean that the Goju is just kind of bumming around, stealing random faces and such?

Hakumei: 4c+00413, +h4+ !s n0t th3 c4s3, B4y00sh!-s4n.  H!+0m! g0+ th3 n4m3 0f G0j00; sh3 0ff3r3d +h4+ p0\/\/3r +0 Y4k4m0, t00.  H3 r3f00s3[), an[) th3 2 [)!3[) !n 4 [)001.  N0\/\/, G0j00 r00l3z th3 [)r4g0n…

That is not how it happened, Scorpion.  The Dragon Clan Thunder gained the touch of the Lying Darkness; she gave a chance for Yakamo to join that power to Toturi's Army, but he refused, and they both died.  Now, the Dragon Clan serves the will of the first Goju...

Kakita Brent: Bumm3r...

Most unfortunate.

Bayushi James (looking confused): I lost you after the third "4" or maybe the second "3"...

Kakita Brent: Hakumei, what kind of hope is there?  Aren't there any chances for a better future?

Hakumei (smiling beneath mask): 4 f3\/\/, 4 f3\/\/.  +0+00r!’s k![)z, m4yb3…

Perhaps there is hope.  In the children of Toturi...

Bayushi James (covering face): I caught that...you are screwed.

Hakumei: H3y j00 K014+ b4s+4r[), b n1c3!  Ts00d30 1s g0!ng t0 gr0\/\/ 4n[) 0\/\/n y00; !’11 +34ch h4r m! Cr4n3 n!nj4 t4ch!  41s0, K4n3k4 !s b31ng +r41n3d b! 00j!-s4m4!  H!z m4[) sk!11z \/\/!11 r0013 j00 +00!

You insult my honor, you tricky ninja!  Tsudao is going to become a powerful and healthy warrior for good; I will show her the way.  Also, Kaneka is under the direction of Master Uji.  Toturi's kids will fight well.

Kakita Brent: Tsudao being trained by you, Hakumei?  Kaneka...getting taught to fight by the master of guile and explosives?  I heard that bad things might have come to Naseru and Sezaru, but even so Wow!  Maybe we should invite Daidoji Kaneka over sometime!

Bayushi James: Let's not go overboard here...

Kakita Brent: Well, I'd like to thank you for all your information, Hakumei-chan!  I'd ask you to stay a little longer, but the portal seems to be wavering, and I wouldn't want you to get stuck in this non-Dark World!

Hakumei: N0 pr0b13m; !’m g01[) 13g41, s0 ! c4n c0m3 4nd g0 \/\/h3n ! w!sh +00, br0.  4f+3r 411, ! \/\/4n+ t00 s33 h0\/\/ 1337 Ts00d40 1s h3r3…4n[) K4n3k4 +00!

Do not concern yourself with my dimensional stability, my kinsman.  I am curious to see what has become of Toturi Tsudao in this Golden Empire...and also, I hope to see how Kaneka has improved.

Bayushi James (muttering): ! d0n’t th!nk th4t !s 4 g00d !d34…

I would not recommend such a course of action...

Brent and Hakumei (glaring): ..................

Bayushi James (panicked): Er, I mean..."what the hell are you guys saying?!?"  I can't understand a word of your top secret Crane Clan language...

Bayushi James (to Brent): Th3 l!ttl3 p4j4m4 g!r1 w!11 k!11 m3 n0w, r!ght p41?

This petite ninja-ko will slay me, am I correct?

Kakita Brent: 0 y34h.

I fear that is so.

The End (for now...)

Brent's Commentary: You are all commanded to proceed to Megatokyo to learn the proper way to speak l33t.  It's obvious that I'm still learning...ph34r th3 cr4n3!