An Interview with Hida Kuon

Kakita Brent: Where the heck have you been?

Bayushi James: Um, you and there...

Kakita Brent: You got lost in the linen closet again, didn't you?  Some Kolat spy...

Bayushi James (narrowing eyes): Don't speak until you've braved the perils of pillow cases...

Kakita Brent (shaking head): Well anyway, now that you're here, get ready.  Our guest should be arriving before too long, and BELIEVE ME you do not want to upset him.

Bayushi James: OK, I think I remember how to do this....focusing, focusing...

Hida Kuon (squeezing through doors...literally): Jeez, I can't believe some people can fit through these flimsy things...

Kakita Brent (glancing at James): Aren't those the same doors that held all of Naseru's lackeys outside for a good ten minutes?

Bayushi James: Indeed they are, Brent, indeed they are...eep.

Hida Kuon (taking seat, nearly crushing daisho stand): Well, we make them a little stronger in Kaiu territory, kids.  Holding out a few courtiers, that's one thing, but holding out a bile oni is totally different!

Bayushi James: I guess that depends on what the courtier had for lunch...

Hida Kuon (looking confused): I don't get it.

Bayushi James: You want me to write it down so you can try again later?

Kakita Brent (grabbing James): You are insulting the intelligence of a man with more muscle than the entire Crane Clan...not good!

Bayushi James: More muscle and one less to guess which one?

Hida Kuon: I still don't get it.

Kakita Brent: Never mind, Kuon-sama, it's really, REALLY not important.  In fact, forget everything we've just said.

Hida Kuon: Done and done.

Bayushi James: So, I've heard that things have been going a little better for you guys down at the's your brother?

Hida Kuon: Typical Crab Clan funeral.

Kakita Brent: Risen again to destroy all which he once fought for?

Hida Kuon: Bingo!

Kakita Brent: Well, you seem to be taking it very well.  I mean, Mei Mei always said that you Crab are tough, but to bear such pain with that...that vacuous look on your face, must be tough.

Hida Kuon: Well, I get hit in the head a lot...

Bayushi James: All those low ceilings...this world just isn't designed for you, is it?

Kakita Brent: Enough of this.  Next question: what do you think about this whole battle in Otosan Uchi; with Daigotsu releasing Fu Leng and all, everyone is blaming everyone, from Naseru to Kaneka to Toturi...and he's been dead for more than a year!

Hida Kuon: Well, this problem, like ALL OF ROKUGAN'S PROBLEMS, can be traced to one man!

Bayushi James: Toku?

Kakita Brent: Akodo Kage?

Hida Kuon: No, you idiots!  Yasuki Hachi; he's holding us back!  That slimy, sniveling little pretty-boy...

Kakita Brent (turning to James as Kuon continues to vent): Wow, look at him go.  You know, I thought that it was Kurohito that killed his mother...

Bayushi James: You know how records go when you leave them in the hands of the Crab...hell, three quarters of their history has been written in green crayon.

Hida Kuon (hardly winded): ...sissy, tiny little Emerald Champion-ko!!!

Bayushi James (leaning forward): We may think the ant tiny, but given his toil, should we think so?

Hida Kuon (blinking in confusion): But ants are tiny.....................

Kakita Brent (ignoring Kuon): Surprisingly valid and deep point, James.  And while we're on the subject of "tiny," I think that you've got some explaining to do, Mister Kuon-sama...

Hida Kuon: Um...what?

Bayushi James: Assuming this analogy doesn't also go over your're a tall drink of water, aren't ya?

Hida Kuon: Not really....all Crab are tall.

Kakita Brent: O MY KAMI!  "Tall" doesn't begin to describe you!  You're just big...monstrously, unnaturally, freakishly and unachievably huge!  I mean, I know that compared to some of the "Champions" that we've seen, most people look bigger, but come one!  Crab or no Crab, anyone who surpasses Kisada's sheer size has some explaining to do!

Bayushi James: Yeah, fess up...someone been slipping some special vitamins in your ramen?

Hida Kuon (sudden sweating): You guys are just jealous.

Bayushi James (glancing at Kuon's crotch): No, I'm betting I'm not.

Kakita Brent: Besides, we can fit through doors whenever and wherever we want.  No holes or nothing.

Bayushi James (glancing up as Kuon rises...rises...and rises some more): Now would be a good time to demonstrate that door thing, right?

Kakita Brent: I concur.

The End (for now...)