An Interview with Hitomi Kobai

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Mirumoto Christopher: Hello?  Is this thing on?

Kakita Brent: Wait a minute…that’s Agasha’s Mirror…what are the Dragon doing with it?

Mirumoto Christopher: In their rush to leave, I think that they forgot it.  I figured that we could try it out, use it to get an up-to-date report.

Kakita Brent: Huh?

Mirumoto Christopher: Hello?  Calling Hitomi Kobai…are you there, Kobai?

Agasha’s Mirror: Kzshshsssshha…

Mirumoto Christopher: I think it’s broken.

Kakita Brent: I think we need a shugenja.

Mirumoto Christopher: That didn’t used to be a problem here…

Kobai’s Voice: Hello?  Am I on?  Mirumoto?

Mirumoto Christopher: It works!  Hello, Kobai!  How are the armies doing…I trust that the feeble resistance of the Shadowlands has been crushed, and the Goju already destroyed.

Hitomi Kobai:

Kakita Brent: That’s not a good kind of silence.

Hitomi Kobai: Well, on the plus side, I’m still alive.  On the situation of the armies, um…lots of dead people.  Lots of undead people.  Lots of Oni…and a few missing their faces.

Mirumoto Christopher: So I take it we haven’t reached Volturnum yet.

Hitomi Kobai: No…Yakamo lost the map, and he refuses to ask for directions.  We’ve passed the same Festering Pit four times.  It’s really getting depressing.

Kakita Brent: How are the Clans getting along?

Hitomi Kobai: Well, let’s just say that there’s nothing like the threat of impending doom to get people to work together.  I mean, I saw a Lion save a Crane today.

Kakita Brent: You did not!

Hitomi Kobai: OK, you’re right…I was trying to make a point.  Basically, everyone is trying to out-kill one another now, the Scorpion dig pits, the Crab smash things…who would have thought that there were so many goblins here!

Mirumoto Christopher: So, Kobai, I know you guys are busy down there, but I was wondering…do you know where Togashi’s Daisho is?  It was right here during the last Interview, and then I think it got misplaced when Kokujin showed up for tea.

Hitomi Kobai: You don’t know?

Mirumoto Christopher: I’ve looked everywhere!

Hitomi Kobai: Well, you can stop looking.  Kokujin…um, he…well…

Kakita Brent: O MY KAMI…I think I can see where this is going.

Hitomi Kobai: Kokjuin decided that he could no longer work for Hoshi-sama…mentioned something about a Personal Honor of 4.  So he stole the Daisho, made an alliance with the Shadow, and is now running amok down here.

Mirumoto Christopher: ……………….

Kakita Brent: D’oh…first one gets broken, now one gets stolen.  I think you guys should pick up some Doji Insurance for those ancient weapons.

Hitomi Kobai: Don’t worry!  I, personally, will find him, kill him, and bring the Daisho home!  I will bring honor back to my Lady’s name!

Mirumoto Christopher (covering Mirror): His Chi is 2…right? I hope there are a lot goblins for him to duel.

Kakita Brent (removing hand): Kobai…you do know that Kokujin has Double Chi…

Hitomi Kobai: Relax!  I’ve got everything under control.  With the help of a shadowy figure…

Kakita Brent: I wish Kage would leave people alone.

Hitomi Kobai: …I have worked out a battle plan that cannot fail!

Mirumoto Christopher: Battle plan?

Hitomi Kobai: Well, I have coated myself in a thin layer of Jade Paint.

Mirumoto Christopher: Just so long as there’s no lead in it.

Hitomi Kobai: Huh?

Kakita Brent: Never mind.  How are the Crane doing, anyway?

Hitomi Kobai: Well, the record stands.  Whenever something bad happens, it invariably happens to the Crane first.

Kakita Brent: This sounds bad.

Hitomi Kobai: Don’t worry…there was just this swarm of goblins and stuff…I think Kuwanan got stabbed.  It’s kind of hard to follow, I mean this is a pretty big valley that we’ve been trapped in.

Mirumoto Christopher: Trapped?  Valley?

Hitomi Kobai: Forget I said that.  The shugenja said that he’ll be fine, and I sure hope so.  And that also said we will be victorious, and come home with minimal losses.

Kakita Brent: Really?  Are you a fan of Kuwanan-sama?

Hitomi Kobai: Of course!  I loved him as the King of Siam!

Mirumoto Christopher: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times…I told you!

Kakita Brent: How’s that thousand year old sword set you guys had once?

Mirumoto Christopher: Cheap shot.

Hitomi Kobai: Yes, things are pretty bad down here.  I knew the Shadowlands would be harsh, but this is getting ridiculous.  Everywhere we go, Oni, Oni, Oni.  At least Fu Leng could have varied his creations a little more.  You’ve been swallowed by one gaping maw, you might as well have seen them all.

Kakita Brent: Toku can relate…do we have any other questions?  The Mirror’s starting to spark.

Mirumoto Christopher: I understand that the Unicorn have their own little “unresolved” problem…how are they dealing with that?

Hitomi Kobai (image getting fuzzy): Oh….the Dark Moto.  Yeah, they come around, riding horses…well, I think they were horses, once.  So far, it’s just been ride and shoot…but I think something big is building.

Kakita Brent: The combined might of the Clans heads to save the past of the Empire, and he THINKS something big is building.

Mirumoto Christopher (swatting Mirror): Ack!  Kobai…I think we’ll have to be leaving you now!

Kakita Brent: And yet another of the Dragon ancestral items bites the dust.

Mirumoto Christopher: I can fix it!  Give me some glue.

Hitomi Kobai (fading away): Do you want me to bring something back?  The Yasuki have a souvenir stand set up already, and they sell the most amazing things…porcelain masks, the Terrible War Standard of the Hida…

Kakita Brent: Of the “Hida?”

Mirumoto Christopher: I’ve heard of that…something about Beidan Pass…

Agasha's Mirror: BOOM!

Kakita Brent (peeking out from around corner): Well, so much for telling Kobai goodbye.

Mirumoto Christopher (from behind empty daisho stand): They’ll take this out of my stipend, for sure…

Kakita Brent: OK, that takes care of this interview…and Agasha’s Mirror.  We’ll pack up the pieces and mail them to the Phoenix…it’s the least we can do.  Good night, everybody, and keep watching the shadows…as they are probably trying to kill you.

Mirumoto Christopher: Terrible Standard of the Hida…I know I’ve heard that somewhere before.


The End (For Now)

(Our thanks and condolences to the creators of Rokugan 90210 for the use of the “Terrible War Standard of the Hida”. You guys are hilarious… and crazy. Keep up the good work.)