An Interview with Doji Hoturi-like Guy

Kakita Brent Howdy everybody!  Well, with James and everyone MIA, I had to call in some serious favors to keep things interesting, but I did it!  Say hello to our special guest interviewer: Doji Hoturi!

Doji Hoturi (now glowing like a proper dead guy): Greetings all and welcome to Kyuden Ryu!  Brent's done a nice job getting things fixed up for this; speaking of which, who are we interviewing?

Kakita Brent: Well, this is more of a 'tour of the new place' than an interview...

CRACKA-DOOM!!!

Kakita Brent: What in Jigoku was that!?!?

Doji Hoturi (squinting through the smoke): Offhand I'd say that a being of inhuman power and rage has ripped open the delicate fabric of our reality, creating a nexus to draw something through, causing unparalleled pain and suffering...

Kakita Brent: Tsuge, this is what happens when you deal with that psycho Tamori!  I know that the Phoenix picked "power," but this is NOT COOL!

Ominous Figure: BWA HA HA HAAA!!  More bodies to crush and destroy for the glory of my Immortal Emperor!  Tremble in fear before the Obsidian Champion!  Your end has come!

Kakita Brent (watching figure exit smoke): I thought Goju Kyoden was the Obsidian Champion...so much for that whole not talking thing...and painted himself blue, for some reason...

Doji Hoturi: I don't think that's Kyoden...unless Nimoru's sword left a shotgun-like hole in him...

Kakita Brent: O MY KAMI!  Hoturi, that's you!

Doji Hoturi (looking closer): And apparently you're right; someone painted my skin blue...and my hair exploded!

Hoturi the Heartless: Tremble in fear, my flawed, mortal form!  I am Hoturi the Heartless, the greatest of the servants of the Last Hantei!  Now I will claim this whole reality for him as well!

Kakita Brent: Umm, before you do that, could I ask you a few questions?  First of all...what's with the hole in your midsection?  Apart from being totally gross-looking, that is...

Doji Hoturi (checking chest): Yeah, Fu Leng punched into my chest, not through it!  What'd you do, hollow it out for Halloween or something?  And besides that, where the heck would you keep your spine, with that hole in your center?  It's so stupid!

Hoturi the Heartless: Heh, you're just jealous because I'm you're EXPERIENCED version...

Doji Hoturi: Yawn, yawn...when you get a Sensei, a Dojo, and an Ancestor card, give me a call pal.

Kakita Brent (sticking bokken through hole): Nope, no spine here...heh, he's spineless!

Hoturi the Heartless: SILENCE!  I will not be ridiculed by a throwback of a fallen clan!  The Crane have been destroyed in my world; only a few remnants remain at all!  All who live bow before the Dark Lord, and I serve the Dark Emperor first among all!  I-am-perfect!

Kakita Brent (backing away to behind daisho stand): Sheesh, he's really into this Undead-Corrupted thing.  I think that the first False Hoturi was much cooler, though...he wait a minute!  In this dark world, all of the most annoying people in our world should probably be dead or never born right!  It can't be that bad!

Hoturi the Heartless: I know what you're thinking, little Crane...but no, even in the world of darkness, you'll still have to put up with that Kaneka guy...

Kakita Brent and Doji Hoturi: DAMMIT!!!

Hoturi the Heartless: AND Daigotsu.

Doji Hoturi (holding Brent to keep him from fainting): It really IS an Age of Darkness!

Kakita Brent: That's...OK.  A world without honor, compassion or friendly people seems like the perfect place for Kaneka.  He'll probably make himself up another title to go with the world, though.

Hoturi the Heartless: MWA HA HA HA!!  Yes, now you truly know the darkness that has come to claim you both!  There Is No Hope!

Doji Hoturi (grabbing sword): THAT'S IT!  Listen up Hole-turi, it's bad enough that you have a stupid hole through your body and have hair that no self-respecting Crane, undead or not, would EVER have, but to spout the most overused Shadowlands propaganda...this will not stand!

Hoturi the Heartless (narrowing eyes): Then we duel!  You cannot escape this fight, Mr. non-Shadowlands Thunder Hoturi!  I have you, right where I want you!  Thus ends your story, and mine will rise as the one true...

Kakita Brent: But...he's got a higher Chi than you do...

Hoturi the Heartless: Hotur...what?  No, don't be stupid.  I've been infused with all the power of Fu Leng himself, for Kami's sake!  I am the Obsidian Champion!  I have all the powers of darkness within me!  How could he be a better swordsman than me?

Kakita Brent: Apparently the Dark Powers decided to just switch your Force and Chi...and leave you with a dueling ability...that's odd...

Hoturi the Heartless: But...but I'm the Obsidian Champion...

Doji Hoturi: I'd change the duel to one of Personal Honor, but I don't want to see him cry...

AMAKAKERU RYU NO HIRAMEKI!

Doji Hoturi: Well, I guess we won't have to put up with any more crap from "Hole-turi the Headless."

Kakita Brent (shaking head): I'm glad that you're not really undead, Hoturi.

Doji Hoturi: Me too...I mean, look at that terrible hairdo...say, how much you wanna bet I can fit a football through that hole from twenty paces?

Kakita Brent: Good night folks!  Oh, and just for the record, Kyuden Ryu does not support attempting to get a football through the chest of your own Hoturi the Heartless...a pair of scissors, on the other hand, is just fine!  Enjoy 1000 Years of Darkness which, the way Gold Edition is going, will fit right into the whole Winds Storyline very soon.

Doji Hoturi: We should probably fix that hole in reality too...got any duct tape?

The End (for now...)