Indecision 1000!


Round 1:


Kakita Brent (straightening kimono): Are they here yet? This is really cool, getting the Emperors to come here and settle their differences like rational adults!  I was certain it would come to all-out war!

Mirumoto Christopher (running around nitpicking): The podium is off center! Dishonor! Oh, I am going to be sick.

Kakita Brent: Actually, before we go live, I have a little question for you. This has really been bothering me.  It just doesn’t make sense.

Mirumoto Christopher: Yes?

Kakita Brent: How exactly were we talking to Mei Mei-san last time? I mean, I was pretty darn certain you destroyed Agasha’s Mirror with Kobai. And when you destroy ancestral items, they usually stay gone!

Mirumoto Christopher (stopping): Ouch…….. I don’t know.

Mirumoto Christopher (brightening): Perhaps she is a ninja!

Kakita Brent: You think everyone is a ninja, especially the ones I hire!

Mirumoto Christopher: No, I think some of them are Kolat.  Sneaky Crane.

Kakita Brent: Eh…You say “katana,” I say “sword.”

Kaktita Brent: Wait… look! The Emperor has arrived!

Mirumoto Christopher: Which one? Which one?

Kakita Brent (squinting): I have absolutely no idea. Stupid matching Imperial Colors.  You would think in seven hundred years we could have modernized!

Mirumoto Chris: Crane fashion sense strikes again!

Hantei XVI: I am the Emperor of Rokugan, now and forever! Bow down before me, insolent whelps, or you shall suffer the wrath of Heaven!

Kakita Brent: Maybe later…why don’t you just sit down and…




Kakita Brent (staring at the prostrate Mirumoto Chris): Will you get up, you fool? He isn’t the real Emperor, after all. Look at the weird aura; anyone with an aura like that could not possibly be the…

Toturi I (glowing… literally!): Hello!

Kakita Brent: sigh…

Mirumoto Christopher (fussing over the Emperors): Please have a seat over here Toturi-sama. I apologize for the debris, but you about those darn Crane Champions.  Say one little thing, and they start smashing stuff!

Hantei XVI: I had a Crane Champion killed once… ah, the memories.  Of course they were wussier in my day.

Kakita Brent (steely gaze): …

Mirumoto Christopher (tapping papers on table): Now, gentlemen. I would like to formally welcome you to the first Imperial debate in the history of Rokugan. To resolve the growing problem of the “Spirit Wars” we are going to attempt to find a fair and diplomatic resolution.

Kakita Brent: We have already determined that you are both free of the Shadowlands Taint. Chris, if you will conduct the “anti-Ninja” test?

Mirumoto Christopher: Hantei-sama, if you had to choose one of the following would you: (a) rule over Rokugan in peace and honor, or (b) unmake all of…


Mirumoto Christopher: Eeep! Um…Toturi-sama…


Mirumoto Christopher (leaning over to whisper to Kakita Brent): I think we have a…


Mirumoto Christopher: Gack!



Kakita Brent: Ha, ha, ha! The look on your face! Yeah, that’s the one. You… oh dear. Um, looks like we finally going to try out those new Tamoris!  MEDIC!

Hantei XVI: I have no time for lowly hemin! Let us begin, by the will of Heaven I command it!

Kakita Brent (looking over at Mirumoto Chris): Again with the “Will of Heaven.” Well, he seems to be moving again…I guess we can start.

Kakita Brent: So, honorable Emperor…

Hantei XVI & Toturi I: Yes?

Kakita Brent: D’oh. All right, we’ll do it the hard way…Emperor HANTEI, please explain your political platform, such as how you plan to rule Rokugan, should you win…you know the way.

Kakita Brent (giggling): A 2F/4C beating a 8F/7C in anything…riiiiiight.

Hantei XVI: First of all, I am a Hantei… descendant of the first Hantei, ruler of Rokugan by the will of Heaven. Under my iron fist, samurai and eta alike can look forward to pain, suffering, toil, death, and utter humiliation… by the will of Heaven.

Kakita Brent: Well, I have made my vote. Thank you gentlemen. It has been a pleasure…

Mirumoto Christopher (climbing up to feet): No… must ask more questions. Toturi, platform…Now.

Toturi I: That is Toturi THE FIRST, Dragon. My military accomplishments are legendary, as should be for the rightful Emperor. I ended the Coup by myself… then, the Day of Thunder. I defeated the dark kami Fu-Leng with absolutely no assistance. More recently, I took down Goju Adorai at Oblivion’s Gate… obviously, by myself.

Kakita Brent: Hida Kisada…

Mirumoto Christopher: Togashi Yokuni…

Kakita Brent: Doji Hoturi…

Mirumoto Christopher (dreamy): Bayushi Kachiko…

Kakita Brent: Do these names mean anything to you, Toturi THE FIRST?

Toturi I: Why, naturally.  They are my loyal subjects, who I was forced to save… single-handedly.  All nice, but no match for my prowess.

Kakita Brent: I am changing my vote… evil has more to offer, and it’s far less annoying.

Mirumoto Christopher: You might have something there.

Mirumoto Christopher: So, Toturi THE FIRST, what traits and qualities do you feel you possess that make you a better Emperor than Hantei-sama?

Toturi I: Well, first off… Toturi is a family man. I love my children, and I love my wife for giving me my children. But most importantly, Toturi cares about you… the little people.

Kakita Brent: If one more person refers to us as “the little people” they are getting a buttload full of Test of Stone.

Mirumoto Christopher (grimacing): Eww… I think he is serious.

Mirumoto Christopher: So, Hantei-sama… what have you done for the betterment of Rokugan, that we should give you another shot as Emperor?

Hantei XVI (thinking): I manipulated the Great Clans… had scores of innocents brutally killed over trumped up charges… had the Crane Champion executed… but my shining moment was having my own mother’s skull crushed in front of my very eyes.

Kakita Brent: That is just gross…I’m changing my vote again.

Kakita Brent: Hmm… what are your views on the fall of Yoritomo’s Alliance after his death?  Yeah, that sounds like a valid political question!  Hantei, you first!

Hantei XVI (snickering): People… working together… for the common good! <Laughter> There’s a surefire recipe for utter failure.

Toturi I (smugly): It would not have failed if I had led it. I would have lived forever… I would even have come back from the dead…oh, wait.

Mirumoto Christopher (shocked): Okay…time for our first “commercial break”, whatever that is, from Phoenix FETA-brand cheese. When you need to win without interference or interaction, you can’t beat FETA!

Kakita Brent (holding FETA cheese): FETA… it’s good, it’s cheap, it’s good and cheap.

Kakita Brent (glaring at Emperors): You know, I can’t in good conscience vote for either of these guys…I believe I’ll vote for a third-party candidate.

Hantei XVI (standing, pointing): GO AHEAD… THROW YOUR VOTE AWAY!

Mirumoto Christopher (tapping papers again): We will return after this…

Kakita Brent: What’s on those papers, anyway?

Mirumoto Christopher: Can’t talk!  Commercial!



To Be Continued…