Indecision 1000!
Round
1:
Kakita
Brent
(straightening kimono): Are they here yet? This is really cool, getting the
Emperors to come here and settle their differences like rational adults!
I was certain it would come to all-out war!
Mirumoto
Christopher
(running around nitpicking): The podium is off center! Dishonor! Oh, I am going
to be sick.
Kakita
Brent:
Actually, before we go live, I have a little question for you. This has really
been bothering me. It just
doesn’t make sense.
Mirumoto
Christopher:
Yes?
Kakita
Brent: How
exactly were we talking to Mei Mei-san last time? I mean, I was pretty darn
certain you destroyed Agasha’s Mirror with Kobai. And when you destroy
ancestral items, they usually stay gone!
Mirumoto
Christopher
(stopping): Ouch…….. I don’t know.
Mirumoto
Christopher
(brightening): Perhaps she is a ninja!
Kakita
Brent: You
think everyone is a ninja, especially the ones I hire!
Mirumoto
Christopher:
No, I think some of them are Kolat. Sneaky
Crane.
Kakita
Brent:
Eh…You say “katana,” I say “sword.”
Kaktita
Brent:
Wait… look! The Emperor has arrived!
Mirumoto
Christopher:
Which one? Which one?
Kakita
Brent
(squinting): I have absolutely no idea. Stupid matching Imperial Colors.
You would think in seven hundred years we could have modernized!
Mirumoto
Chris: Crane
fashion sense strikes again!
Hantei
XVI: I am
the Emperor of Rokugan, now and forever! Bow down before me, insolent whelps, or
you shall suffer the wrath of Heaven!
Kakita
Brent: Maybe
later…why don’t you just sit down and…
<THUMP>
Kakita
Brent
(staring at the prostrate Mirumoto Chris): Will you get up, you fool? He isn’t
the real Emperor, after all. Look at the weird aura; anyone with an aura like
that could not possibly be the…
Toturi
I
(glowing… literally!): Hello!
Kakita
Brent:
sigh…
Mirumoto
Christopher
(fussing over the Emperors): Please have a seat over here Toturi-sama. I
apologize for the debris, but you about those darn Crane Champions.
Say one little thing, and they start smashing stuff!
Hantei
XVI: I had a
Crane Champion killed once… ah, the memories. Of course they were wussier in my day.
Kakita
Brent
(steely gaze): …
Mirumoto
Christopher
(tapping papers on table): Now, gentlemen. I would like to formally welcome you
to the first Imperial debate in the history of Rokugan. To resolve the growing
problem of the “Spirit Wars” we are going to attempt to find a fair and
diplomatic resolution.
Kakita
Brent: We
have already determined that you are both free of the Shadowlands Taint. Chris,
if you will conduct the “anti-Ninja” test?
Mirumoto
Christopher:
Hantei-sama, if you had to choose one of the following would you: (a) rule over
Rokugan in peace and honor, or (b) unmake all of…
Hantei
XVI: YOU
WILL BE UNMADE!
Mirumoto
Christopher:
Eeep! Um…Toturi-sama…
Toturi
I: YOU WILL
BE UNMADE!
Mirumoto
Christopher
(leaning over to whisper to Kakita Brent): I think we have a…
Kakita
Brent: YOU
WILL BE UNMADE!
Mirumoto
Christopher:
Gack!
<THUD>
Kakita
Brent: Ha,
ha, ha! The look on your face! Yeah, that’s the one. You… oh dear. Um, looks
like we finally going to try out those new Tamoris! MEDIC!
Hantei
XVI: I have
no time for lowly hemin! Let us begin, by the will of Heaven I command it!
Kakita
Brent
(looking over at Mirumoto Chris): Again with the “Will of Heaven.” Well, he
seems to be moving again…I guess we can start.
Kakita
Brent: So,
honorable Emperor…
Hantei
XVI & Toturi I: Yes?
Kakita
Brent:
D’oh. All right, we’ll do it the hard way…Emperor HANTEI, please explain
your political platform, such as how you plan to rule Rokugan, should you
win…you know the way.
Kakita
Brent
(giggling): A 2F/4C beating a 8F/7C in anything…riiiiiight.
Hantei
XVI: First
of all, I am a Hantei… descendant of the first Hantei, ruler of Rokugan by the
will of Heaven. Under my iron fist, samurai and eta alike can look forward to
pain, suffering, toil, death, and utter humiliation… by the will of Heaven.
Kakita
Brent: Well,
I have made my vote. Thank you gentlemen. It has been a pleasure…
Mirumoto
Christopher
(climbing up to feet): No… must ask more questions. Toturi, platform…Now.
Toturi
I: That is
Toturi THE FIRST, Dragon. My military accomplishments are legendary, as should
be for the rightful Emperor. I ended the Coup by myself… then, the Day of
Thunder. I defeated the dark kami Fu-Leng with absolutely no assistance. More
recently, I took down Goju Adorai at Oblivion’s Gate… obviously, by myself.
Kakita
Brent: Hida
Kisada…
Mirumoto
Christopher:
Togashi Yokuni…
Kakita
Brent: Doji
Hoturi…
Mirumoto
Christopher
(dreamy): Bayushi Kachiko…
Kakita
Brent: Do
these names mean anything to you, Toturi THE FIRST?
Toturi
I: Why,
naturally. They are my loyal
subjects, who I was forced to save… single-handedly.
All nice, but no match for my prowess.
Kakita
Brent: I am
changing my vote… evil has more to offer, and it’s far less annoying.
Mirumoto
Christopher:
You might have something there.
Mirumoto
Christopher:
So, Toturi THE FIRST, what traits and qualities do you feel you possess that
make you a better Emperor than Hantei-sama?
Toturi
I: Well,
first off… Toturi is a family man. I love my children, and I love my wife for
giving me my children. But most importantly, Toturi cares about you… the
little people.
Kakita
Brent: If
one more person refers to us as “the little people” they are getting a
buttload full of Test of Stone.
Mirumoto
Christopher
(grimacing): Eww… I think he is serious.
Mirumoto
Christopher:
So, Hantei-sama… what have you done for the betterment of Rokugan, that we
should give you another shot as Emperor?
Hantei
XVI
(thinking): I manipulated the Great Clans… had scores of innocents brutally
killed over trumped up charges… had the Crane Champion executed… but my
shining moment was having my own mother’s skull crushed in front of my very
eyes.
Kakita
Brent: That
is just gross…I’m changing my vote again.
Kakita
Brent:
Hmm… what are your views on the fall of Yoritomo’s Alliance after his death?
Yeah, that sounds like a valid political question!
Hantei, you first!
Hantei
XVI
(snickering): People… working together… for the common good!
<Laughter> There’s a surefire recipe for utter failure.
Toturi
I (smugly):
It would not have failed if I had led it. I would have lived forever… I would
even have come back from the dead…oh, wait.
Mirumoto
Christopher
(shocked): Okay…time for our first “commercial break”, whatever that is,
from Phoenix FETA-brand cheese. When you need to win without interference or
interaction, you can’t beat FETA!
Kakita
Brent
(holding FETA cheese): FETA… it’s good, it’s cheap, it’s good and cheap.
Kakita
Brent
(glaring at Emperors): You know, I can’t in good conscience vote for either of
these guys…I believe I’ll vote for a third-party candidate.
Hantei
XVI
(standing, pointing): GO AHEAD… THROW YOUR VOTE AWAY!
Mirumoto
Christopher
(tapping papers again): We will return after this…
Kakita
Brent:
What’s on those papers, anyway?
Mirumoto
Christopher: Can’t
talk! Commercial!