Mirumoto
Christopher: Welcome back, everyone. After that delightful, um…
“commercial break”, order has
been restored…
Kakita
Brent (putting sword in saya): I don’t care if you are a descendent of
Amaterasu, this is my danish! You like that hand, you’ll let go now!
Mirumoto
Christopher (with sweat drop): Yes…well, for those of you just joining us
allow me to summarize. No, that would take too long…allow me to sum up.
Mirumoto
Christopher (tapping papers): We are joined by the esteemed Hantei XVI and
Toturi the FIRST in the first ever Imperial Debate, in order to prevent a full
scale war from enveloping Rokugan…again.
Hantei
XVI: What’s wrong with a little war? It keeps the rabble to a reasonable
level…
Kakita
Brent: Be that as it may…I hesitate to ask this at all, but are either of
you even the least bit willing to compromise?
Hantei
XVI (not listening): And nothing’s quite like the aftermath of war to
heighten the feeling of your populace’s abject terror.
Mirumoto
Christopher: I do believe that is a “no.”
Toturi
I: Look at meeeeee!
Mirumoto
Christopher: Hai, Toturi I-sama. With your wife being a former Phoenix and
all…what is your view of this rumored kidnapping plot?
Hantei
XVI (pointing out window, gesturing frantically): OH-MY-KAMI, what was that?
Kakita
Brent: HEY!!!
Mirumoto
Christopher: Don’t mind Aramasu…he’ll fall back down soon enough.
Toturi
I: Ahem…I designed the new defensive perimeter around the Phoenix lands
myself. The only weak spot would take a Tactical Genius to locate! I mean,
hidden behind a tree next to the South Wall! Only a small child could be pulled
though that. It’s a brilliant plan!
Hantei
XVI (muttering): Indeed it was… idiot.
Kakita
Brent: One major problem facing Rokugan today is maho. Emperor Toturi has…
Toturi
I (perking up): Toturi the FIRST!
Kakita
Brent (picking up): …already hired a new Jade Champion to combat this
menace. Emperor Hantei, what are your views on maho-tsukai?
Hantei
XVI: What do you mean by that? I don’t know any maho-tsukai! I am not even
related to Iuchiban!
Mirumoto
Christopher: Hantei-sama, we did not ask about Iuchiban…is there something
we should know?
Hantei
XVI (pointing out window, gesturing frantically): OH-MY-KAMI, what was
that?!?
Mirumoto
Christopher (staring blankly): …baka.
Kakita
Brent: Answer the question, danish thief!
Toturi
I (peering out window): There’s nothing out here! I missed it!
I miss everything…
Hantei
XVI: I just wanted to reiterate that the Hantei Dynasty is in no way
affiliated with maho-tsukai, the Shadowlands, or any other dark forces…
Kakita
Brent: Other than yourself…
Hantei
XVI: …other than myself. Hey!
Mirumoto
Christopher (tapping papers, again): Please, please…everyone calm down!
Toturi I, please move away from the window and sit down. Hantei-sama, no one is
accusing you of being a maho-tsukai, or even being related to a maho-tsukai.
Let’s just finish the debate like civilized…er, spirits.
Kakita
Brent: There are nasty rumors spreading from the Crab lands about a
devastating new force out in the Shadowlands…again. Word of oni being chewed
on, limbs missing. As if something is collecting their hearts…any thoughts on
how your rule would prepare for this coming darkness?
Toturi
I: As the greatest hero that Rokugan has ever known, I would gather my
former allies…the Seven Thunders? You might have heard of us.
Kakita
Brent: Well, Toturi-sama, you do realize that all of the other Thunders are
dead…right?
Toturi
I: They can just come back as Spirits, can’t they? It is not that hard!
Mirumoto
Christopher: Actually, according to the laws of the Spirit Realm they cannot
return. Oblivion’s Gate has been shut.
Toturi
I (blinking): …
Hantei
XVI: It would seem that everyone has forgotten that I have an entire army of
Spirits at my command. It is easily large enough to march straight to Otosan
Uchi…or, if you vote for me, to protect you from the Shadowlands.
Mirumoto
Christopher (bravely): The Empire will never kneel to tyranny, Hantei.
Hantei
XVI: Heh…I’ve heard that before.
Kakita
Brent: Until all of the votes are in…and counted…and recounted…nothing
is final. So enough threats.
Hantei
XVI: Why can’t we just settle this like civilized people? I would suggest
a duel. Our Imperial Captains, one on one.
Kakita
Brent: Toturi…?
Mirumoto
Christopher: No, no! Don’t
encourage him, Brent!
Toturi
I: …sure! My loyal retainer, Toku, has never failed me in my hour of need.
I have absolute faith in him. What could go wrong?
Kakita
Brent: Weren’t you kidnapped by the ninja just three days after Toku
became Captain of the Imperial Guard?
Toturi
I: Yes…what are you getting at?
Mirumoto
Christopher (running in with sheet): The votes are in! The new Emperor of
Rokugan is…
Hantei
XVI: Thank you, thank you. I always knew that terror and woe were the keys
to victory! In fact…
Kakita
Brent (brandishing katana): Let the man read…or else.
Mirumoto
Christopher: …is Toturi I, with 140 votes! Congratulations, new
Emperor-sama.
Hantei
XVI (head hung): Well, I guess that the best man won, Toturi. I suppose that
now there’s nothing left for my Spirit army to do but leave Rokugan…forever.
I wish you only the best. And…
Toturi
I (gleeful): YOU ARE THE LOSER! I AM THE WINNER! THE LOSER…YOU! THE
WINNER…ME, ME, ME!
Kakita
Brent (watching Toturi dance out of temple): I would like to say that the
better man won…but that dance number leaves me wondering.
Mirumoto
Christopher: Yet another triumph for democracy!
Hantei
XVI (wrathful): “Democracy?!?”
Kakita
Brent: Crap…
Mirumoto
Christopher (aside to Kakita Brent): Uh oh…I think he figured it out.
Hantei
XVI: This is not a democracy, representative or otherwise! This is a divine
monarchy with ties to the feudal system. I can still declare WAR on him.
WAR, WAR, WAR, WAR, WAR!
Kakita
Brent (watching Hantei dance out of temple): So…are we at war again?
Mirumoto
Christopher: It would appear so.
Kakita
Brent: Bring it on.
Mirumoto
Christopher (tapping papers): Well,…
Kakita
Brent: What do you have written on those papers? Give them to me!
Mirumoto
Christopher: Eep!
Kakita
Brent (reading papers): This has nothing at all to do with the debate! This
is your to-do list…let’s see; “11:30, call Kachiko. 11:31, hang up phone,
12:18, set up Interview with Bloodsword…”
Mirumoto
Christopher: As you can see, just a normal day…
Kakita
Brent (readying sword): Change the channel now, folks…this is going to get
real ugly.