An Interview with Asako Kaushen 

 

 

 

Mirumoto Christopher (looking around): Egad! It has been a long time since we have been to work. I think it is time to get back to business.

Kakita Brent (covering mouth): Yeah. Look at all the cobwebs!

Mirumoto Christopher: ......... and the dust where Togashi's Daisho used to be..... damn Kokujin....

Kakita Brent: Are you okay? You look a little out of it.....

Mirumoto Christopher: ...... that bastard.

Kakita Brent: So do we have a real guest, or is this going to be you just staring at that daisho stand for two hours?

Asako Kaushen: Do you guys know the way to the Temple of Osano-Wo? 

Kakita Brent: ........ yes.

Mirumoto Christopher: Ah. Here is our interviewee now! Meet Asako Kaushen, Phoenix Clan Master of Lies.

Asako Kaushen: No, I'm not. My name is Toturi the First. Nice to meet you.

Kakita Brent: ....... right.

Mirumoto Christopher: Yes, hello Toturi.... whatever. Just to get things started, I want to clear the air a bit.... there are some wild allegations, vicious rumors really....

Kakita Brent (looking bored): Card texts.... 

Mirumoto Christopher (not pausing): Whispers in the sake bars say that you..... well, might be a ............ a bloodspeaker! Is there any truth to this?

Asako Kaushen (smiling sweetly): No.

Mirumoto Christopher (waiting): .......... is that your whole defense?

Asako Kaushen: No.

Mirumoto Christopher (still waiting): ..........

Kakita Brent (dripping with sarcasm): Blood-soaked robes..... still dripping hands..... we will assume on this one.

Kakita Brent: Assuming you were, in fact, a bloodspeaker.... tell us about yourself.

Asako Kaushen: Born to a Hida courtier, I was an adept at sailing. As such, I sailed to the provinces of the Unicorn where I became an ize zumi. After a sordid affair with Isawa Uona, I single handedly defeated Fu Leng to restore the Seppun to the Marble Throne.

Kakita Brent (thinking): ...... "Hida courtier?"

Mirumoto Christopher (eyes big and tearful): ...... "sordid affair with Isawa Uona?" I need to sit down....

Kakita Brent: You already are.

Mirumoto Christopher (looking far away): Oh.

Asako Kaushen: You know what cures depression? Killing a kami, it works wonders for me!

Kakita Brent: Enough with the "Hida courtiers" and "Marble Thrones", I want to know what is going on with your hair. I mean, shaved heads are all the rage up here in the Dragon mountains, but is it really so popular in the Phoenix lands? Did the Agasha bring it with them?

Asako Kaushen: Well, to be honest.... I was watching a battle where Doji Kuwanan was being beaten down by some random Nezumi. I thought, "If Yul Brenner can pull it off, well... so can I!"

Kakita Brent: I see, I was watching that battle as we..... wait! You said "beaten down" and "Nezumi" in regards to Kuwanan!

Mirumoto Christopher: I understand.... I was thinking of going the "King of Siam" approach myself.... wait a minute!

Mirumoto Christopher (aside to Kakita Brent): He said Kuwanan lost to ratlings. I don't think he is being completely honest with us.

Kakita Brent (gesturing wildly): O-MY-KAMI!  Have you not been paying attention? You even said, "Phoenix Clan MASTER OF LIES!!!!"

Mirumoto Christopher (looking shocked): So you are saying that he was lying about everything......

Mirumoto Christopher (looking hopeful): Even the "Uona" incident? 

Asako Kaushen: I'm hurt, deeply hurt. I cannot tell a lie. You both should know me better than that, we have been friends since that time at the Asahina Temple when we were beset by Naga.

Mirumoto Christopher (flailing, shaking Asako Kaushen): Tell me you are lying about Uona! 

Mirumoto Christopher (breaking into tears): It's not true! It's not true! It's not true! It's not true! It's not true!

Asako Kaushen (looking afraid): Calm down! You really need to take a deep breath. You've got issues.

Kakita Brent (pointing accusing finger): You just told the truth!

Asako Kaushen (dropping sobbing Christopher): N-no I...didn't...

Kakita Brent: You just did it again.  You're a regular Truthful Toku!

Asako Kaushen: Can't breathe...can't move...too much...truth...

Kakita Brent (picking up swords): And now you die.

Mirumoto Christopher (curled on Temple floor): ..... not true. You still like me, don't you Uona? [sob]

Kakita Brent (dusting off hands): Well, I guess that wraps things up here, folks.  Hopefully you've learned the following today: Don't trust a bloodspeaker.  Not even for a moment.  Second, do not, I repeat, DO NOT lie about Isawa Uona's virtue while Christopher is around.  Either he'll sob like a little girl, or he will kill you.  Thanks for stopping by, and come again soon.

 

The End (For Now)...