An Interview with Doji Kurohito Kuwanan

Kakita Brent (moving through with broom): You know, you wouldn't think that lava would really do this much damage…

Bayushi James: Stupid liquid-hot magma…

Kakita Brent: Just make sure that it's all out of here; this is our first visitor in months, and we need to make a good impression.

Bayushi James: I don't think you've reckoned with exactly how much of this crap we have in here.

Kakita Brent: Just brush it under the daisho stand.

Doji Kurohito: Nonsense! This place must be perfect; the Crane accept nothing less than total domination…err, I mean 'perfection!'

Bayushi James (smiling nervously): Better stay out of the kitchen, then.

Kakita Brent (bows): Greetings, Kurohito-sama. I'm so glad that you decided to take time out of your land-acquisitioning to come and visit us here in Dragon Country.

Doji Kurohito: Well, I'm always on the look out for prospective Crane lands. Say, with that Mirumoto gone, would that make you the new Interviewing Temple Daimyo?

Kakita Brent: …Somehow I don't think that Chris will like where this is going, Kurohito-sama. I think we'd better start the interview.

Bayushi James (sitting down next to lava): So, this whole War with the Crab thing…how's it going and why's it going? What's so good about the Yasuki Lands anyhow…do they have gold, rubies, lower tax bracket…what?

Doji Kurohito: I wouldn't expect a Scorpion to understand our honor. The Yasuki are Crane now…

Kakita Brent: I thought the Yasuki were Akodo now…

Bayushi James: I heard Kolat…

Doji Kurohito: Shut up, the both of you! They're my lands, and I'll kill anyone that gets in my way! (massages katana and whispers) That's right…soon we'll kill them all…

Kakita Brent (whispering to himself): Who does he remind me of…?

Bayushi James: "Kill them all," that's an interesting point. I hear we haven't seen much of you guys in court recently…don't you think you could have pulled some strings there, instead of going out and squishing things? You're not the Lion, you know.

Doji Kurohito: The Crane Clan has a rich military history; for instance, Doji Kuwanan was a tactical genius…

Kakita Brent: Name another instance.

Doji Kurohito: Daidoji Uji.

Kakita Brent: One NOT in the last thirty years…

Bayushi James: Take your time; don't rush this answer.

Doji Kurohito: Look, I've studied with the Crab for years; trust me when I say I can handle it!

Kakita Brent: Wait a minute…your father studied with the Crab. Not you.

Doji Kurohito: That's what I said.

Bayushi James: Never mind; I'll just leave the Crab question… But I still gotta know; where are your courtiers, if you're all at war? What'd you do, hand them all sticks and set them free?

Doji Kurohito: We're…um, applying everyone at his or her most optimal point.

Kakita Brent: You have no idea where the courtiers went, do you?

Doji Kurohito: Not as such, no. I was never much for courtiers; I usually left that sort of thing to my brother.

Kakita Brent: You don't have a brother, Kurohito-sama.

Bayushi James: You had to eat them all for food, didn't you…

Doji Kurohito (seizing daisho stand): That's it! You are going down, you…

Kakita Brent: O MY KAMI! <Rips wig from Kurohito's head> Kuwanan!!!

Doji Kurohito: No I'm not.

Bayushi James: What the…? It all makes sense…the labored military plot…the overly aggressive, un-Cranelike quotes…even the Phoenix girlfriend…it all goes back to the most un-Crane Crane of them all!

Doji Kuwanan (removing stupid wing-armor): Oh shut up.

Kakita Brent: Um, Kuwanan-sama is there a good explanation to this? I mean, we all thought you were dead! This is getting to be a bad habit with Crane Champions.

Bayushi James: This should be good.

Doji Kuwanan: Sigh…I almost was dead. Volturnum's a long way from the Empire, you know. And I had to fight through all those tainted samurai, now bent of serving Daigotsu…

Bayushi James: What?

Doji Kuwanan: Don't interrupt me, son. Anyway, I make it back just in time for the Spirit Wars, and what do I find? All my work, and already the rest of the clan is re-sissifying…more origami, more painting…it was just too much!

Bayushi James: Now, I love death and destruction as much as the next man, but somehow I think that tackling the Crab is not the right way to un-sissify them. You're going to get them all pounded into butter.

Doji Kuwanan: It builds character.

Kakita Brent (placing head in hands): I should have known, from the moment we became aggressors…again.

Doji Kuwanan (Putting armor and wig back on): You'll thank me in the end, when the Crane are the most hardcore samurai in Rokugan.

Bayushi James: Yeah, then you'll be just like the Crab! Are you going to stop bathing too?

Doji Kuwanan (reaching for sword): …

* * * *

Kakita Brent (wrapping wounds): You probably should have kept your mouth shut. He has some temper issues.

Bayushi James: And he's apparently deaf too. I kept yelling 'not to the face' and look at what he goes and does!

Kakita Brent: I'm always amazed at what that man can do with a daisho stand.

Bayushi James: Now if we could just teach him to hang swords on it like normal people. Well folks, that's it for this time. I'm going to go lie still for a while now, and re-learn how to breathe…

Kakita Brent: Good night everybody! And watch out for Kurohito…as a plot device, he's weak. As a daisho stand user, he's anything but.

The End (for now…)