An Interview with Yul Brenner  Doji Kuwanan



Kakita Brent (elated): I arranged a guest!  I arranged a guest!

Mirumoto Chris (impressed): Really?

Kakita Brent: Yep!  He’ll be along any minute.  I think you’ll like him.

Mirumoto Chris: It better not be Yoritomo again!  We gave him back what was left of Aramasu…what more did he want?

Bald Guy: Hello.

Mirumoto Chris: EGAD!

Bald Guy: What?

Mirumoto Chris: I didn’t mean it!  It was a joke…you can take a joke, right? (Pulling out wakizashi).

Mirumoto Chris (to Kakita Brent): You’ll be my second, right?

Kakita Brent: Eh…I’m kind of busy…

Bald Guy: Wait a moment son…I think that there’s a misunderstanding.  I seem to be a little lost.  My name is Brenner, Yul Brenner.

Mirumoto Chris: ……………I don’t have to commit seppuku?

Doji Kuwanan: Got you!  See, I can be funny too, just like you.

Kakita Brent: But he’s not funny!

Doji Kuwanan: That is true…now put that sword down and interview me.  I’ve got a long walk back to Volturnum.

Mirumoto Chris: Don’t take this the wrong way…but I thought we had a stranglehold on the “cool bald guy” corner of Rokugan?  Why’d you steal our bit?

Doji Kuwanan: Let’s just say…if you’re thinking about giving yourself a quick trim with the naginata, be warned.  You’re cruisin’ for trouble.

Kakita Brent: So, honorable Champion, anything interesting going on in Volturnum?  Has the Shadow broken down yet?

Doji Kuwanan: All I know is the ize zumi keep bursting into light, Scorpion guys run around waving crystal, and every once in a while Toku runs through screaming in terror.  Takes me back to the Day of Thunder…

Kakita Brent: Speaking of battles, I was just wondering…how good a tactician are you?

Doji Kuwanan: What do you mean?

Kakita Brent: Could you cancel the Tactician ability of…oh, I don’t know…Toturi?

Mirumoto Chris: And Kaagi!  Could you beat him!  He’s so annoying with that “I’m the only Tactician!”

Doji Kuwanan: Yes, yes I suppose I could.

Kakita Brent: So…you’re saying that you are a better Tactician than the Emperor, the legendary Toturi…and Kaagi.  Basically, that would make you the best Tactician in Rokugan, right?  As in, the Crane have the best Tactician in Rokugan?

Doji Kuwanan: I guess you could look at it that way.

Mirumoto Chris: Wait a minute…Crane…best Tactician in Rokugan…oh, I’m so confused.

Doji Kuwanan: I get that a lot.

Mirumoto Chris: Oh, about Volturnum…I’m told that you and Uji are fighting together, and reports have placed you posing dramatically on a hill, with Isawa Tadaka in the clouds?  Why is Tadaka there?  I get you…I get Uji…but Tadaka’s a Phoenix!

Doji Kuwanan: Hoturi said that he had “business.”

Kakita Brent: Aaah.

Mirumoto Chris (looking back and forth): What?  I don’t get it!

Kakita Brent: Never mind, never mind.  As the end of the great battle of Oblivion’s Gate approaches, the big question up here in Dragon Country is…who is the Shadow Champion?  Any thoughts?

Doji Kuwanan: Shadow Champion?  What do you mean?

Mirumoto Chris (panicked): Ix-nae on the giving away of the plot-a!

Kakita Brent (smiling sheepishly): Never mind, honorable Kuwanan-sama.  I must be making up plot elements again!  I do that sometimes.

Doji Kuwanan (looking suspicious): Right…

Mirumoto Chris (now desperate): Umm…how’s Shizue?  Still with the Kolat?

Doji Kuwanan: The Kolat have her?

Kakita Brent: What was that about not giving away the plot?

Mirumoto Chris: Shut up!  SHUT UP!

Kakita Brent: OK, OK…everybody just calm down.  Let’s just take a deep breath…that’s better.

Mirumoto Chris (hyperventilating): I’m…just…fine…now…

Doji Kuwanan: I have never been happier that some samurai were left behind for this war.

Mirumoto Chris: Hey!  I’ll…well, I’ll…you’d better…ahh, crap.

Kakita Brent: Well, look at the time!  I guess you’d better be getting back to the battle…those Oni and Shadows aren’t going to kill themselves!  Heh, heh, heh…thanks for stopping by, honorable Champion-sama!

Doji Kuwanan (looking at watch): Actually, I’ve got a few minutes…

Kakita Brent (resigned to his fate): OK…that’s…good…

Mirumoto Chris: He wants to hang with us!  Chill a little…rock it down…

Doji Kuwanan: Yes…something like that.

Mirumoto Chris: So, Yul…can I call you Yul?

Doji Kuwanan (reaching for naginata): ……………

Kakita Brent: O MY KAMI.


The End (Possibly for Real this Time)