An Interview with Mara (and her pet Daini)


Mirumoto Chris: No!  I’m not staying for this!  I don’t care if you did set this up…its not fair!  You can’t make me!

Kakita Brent: Hey!  I sat through Hitomi…twice.  And besides…I can make you.

Mirumoto Chris: This is true…so, which Naga is it, anyway?

Kakita Brent: …Um…you know, I’m really not sure…I asked for the Qamar, but all I got was the answering machine.

Mirumoto Chris: I suppose it doesn’t really matter…let’s make this quick.

Mara (peeking through half-repaired doorway): Hello?

Mirumoto Chris: Wrong house!  Go away!

Kakita Brent: Welcome to the Temple, Mara-sama; don’t mind him…he’s an idiot.

Mirumoto Chris: ………

Kakita Brent: Just have a seat over there, Mara…we are going to conduct this interview with a minimal amount of fuss…right?

Mirumoto Chris: Sure…whatever…

Mirumoto Chris (listening): What’s that sound?  Sounds like a kicked puppy.

Mara: Oh, don’t mind Daini…he’s perfectly harmless.

Kakita Brent: Ack!  Is he temple-broken?

Mara: We live in the forest…it never came up.

Mirumoto Chris (staring darkly at the Daini): So, how does it feel to betray your family, your ancestors and your clan?

Mara: Please don’t address my pet human.  It creeps me out when people do that.

Kakita Brent: OK, but that leaves out a lot of things unasked…well then, why don’t you just explain why the Naga have suddenly vanished into the heart of the Shinomen?  I mean, everyone here has been wondering…

Mirumoto Chris: No we haven’t.  We took it as good fortune.

Mara (glowering): Well, the Akasha has been damaged, and we must repair the damage done by Yakamo’s rampaging human soul…you’d be amazing at how much damage that man’s dirty thoughts have done to us.

Mirumoto Chris: That Yakamo always was a troublemaker…glad to see that he finally made right.

Kakita Brent: Shut up, you!  So, Mara, we understand that you recently gave birth to a little bundle of…um, joy…  Where is the little thing?

Mara: “Thing?”

Kakita Brent: Well…what is the technical term for half-Naga, half-human?

Mirumoto Chris: Nagamo!

Mara: That was an isolated case.  Actually, we haven’t picked out a name yet; we don’t want to rush in and pick something stupid like “Satsu” or “Akodo.”

Mirumoto Chris: Come on!  You have names like “Ossssssssseuth” and “Isssssssssssssut!”  Plus you guys slur everything so horribly!  It’s impossible to understand you, anyway!  So what does it matter?

Kakita Brent: Stop it, both of you!  I feel like a freakin’ babysitter…Daini, don’t swallow that!

Mirumoto Chris: Oh, now the daisho stand has drool all over it!

Kakita Brent: This is going sour fast…are the Naga going to return soon, or is this a long-term sleep you guys are planning?  I mean, the whole Dragon-Naga thing was rough, but if Fu Leng shows again, can we call you or something?

Mara: It will take the Cobra shugenja some time to repair the Akasha…hopefully this time we’ll awaken at the proper time.

Mirumoto Chris (seeing a weakness): “Proper time?”  What’s that mean?

Mara: Well…um, funny story…your Thunders defeated Fu Leng…it, um…wasn’t our time…

Kakita Brent: So, you prepare for this battle, go to sleep for a thousand years in order to be well-rested…and then you time it wrong?  Now that’s embarrassing!

Mirumoto Chris: Typical Naga…dumb, dumb, dumb.

Kakita Brent (shaking head): So, does that mean that we can expect to see the “Seven Naga” sometime in the future?  That would be pretty cool…

Mara: Stupid humans.

Kakita Brent: Hey!  I’m trying to defend your stupidity…get a clock next time!

Mirumoto Chris: So, if everyone’s hitting the sack, why are you still here?  Do you just delight in making us suffer?

Mara: Well, yes, but that’s not all.  The last time we slept, you stupid humans trashed everything.  Someone has to stay around, to take care of things.

Mirumoto Chris: Insomnia is nothing to be ashamed of, Mara.

Kakita Brent: You know, you’re strangely witty today…what’s the occasion?

Mirumoto Chris: Hatred brings out the best in me.

Mara: Well, like I said…you can’t trust the mammals to run things, now can you?

Kakita Brent: Shut up before I jack the air conditioning…this is supposed to be a peaceful discussion, and it will be, even if I have to kill the both of you!

Mirumoto Chris: Blame the snake!  She started it!

Kakita Brent: Stop that.  Why must you be so annoyed…they didn’t completely wipe you out, now did they 

Mirumoto Chris: And the Lion didn’t completely wipe you out, did they?


Mara (clapping): That was wonderful…do it again!

Mirumoto Chris (holding head): No, no again…so, who’s going to guard you guys while you take your naps?  I mean, it would be just AWFUL if something were to happen to you…rock falls on you…shugenja casts Wrath of Osano-Wo…whatever.

Mara: We’re waiting for the tournament results.

Kakita Brent (blinking): You know about that?

Mara: Sure…it’s all in the Akasha…

Mirumoto Chris: If the Akasha is so smart, how come you didn’t wake up on time?

Mara (eyes narrowed): Daini…kill.

Kakita Brent: O MY KAMI!  Mad Daini, mad Daini!

Mara: That’s it, I’m out of here!  I’ll come back for him later.

Kakita Brent: Man, dude you have no luck…Mara wants you dead, Hitomi wants you dead…Kuwanan thinks you’re dead.

Mirumoto Chris (beating the Daini with daisho stand): Leave Yul Brenner out of this!  Get him off of me!  I don’t know if he’s had his shots!

Kakita Brent: Well, folks, I guess that takes care of things for now.  I’d stay to do the official farewell, but I figure that I’d better go fetch the guards before Chris gets all rabid…bye!

Mirumoto Chris (eyeing the Daini from top of cabinet): Well folks, that wraps up that interview…such that it was.  And remember kids, tail envy is nothing to laugh at.  It turns good, rational samurai into slithering idiots.  Be warned, and good night.


The End (For now…)