An Interview with Mat'check

Bayushi James: Explain to me again why we are waiting for this ambassador from Daigotsu, instead of setting vicious tiger traps or deploying ninja with sharp swords and other assorted stabbity things...

Kakita Brent (leaning on Togashi's Daisho): Trust me, Daigotsu is probably long over that whole "you're not a real villain" thing by now.  With the Four Winds attacking him and all, he probably thinks that he needs to try and draw other people into the darkness.  Come on, we've got jade and crystal ready; how bad could it be?

Mat'check: This place smell-smell awful.  Like humans...

Bayushi James (looking over to Brent): Why do you insist on asking questions like that?

Kakita Brent (shrugging and tossing jade away): It just seems like the perfect thing to start these things off with.  Well, welcome to the Interviewing Temple of the Dragon Clan, Mat'check-sama...

Bayushi James (tucking jade into pockets): Watch out...they steal things...

Mat'check: We also speak-speak Rokugani, Scorpion.  Watch-watch what you say.

Kakita Brent: Sorry Mat'check, but we've had some...less than favorable dealings with the Nezumi recently.  But I've got to admit, you look a lot different from that guy; isn't that a lot of armor for a species that values survival over valor?

Mat'check: Mat'check not stupid like other Nezumi.  Realize if-if all humans dead, Nezumi get-get their stuff.  Stained Paw got-got it better than other tribes; lots of good-good stuff.  Lion armor, Scorpion masks...

Bayushi James (holding mask gingerly): You see, the thing about this is that most Scorpion masks don't still have pieces of skin attached...

Kakita Brent: He probably pulled it off a zombie...which is only slightly less revolting than if it were 'fresh.'  Mat'check, what is your beef with humanity?  I mean, the Nezumi have always been the foes of the Shadowlands...

Mat'check: Mat'check catch your interview with last Nezumi....

Bayushi James: Huh...I didn't know that any Ratlings could afford TVs...

CHOMP!

Bayushi James: He bit me!  Back off, you little furry freak!

Kakita Brent (blocking Mat'check's avenue of attack): O MY KAMI, what did you expect him to do?  He's a vengeful Ratling who has sworn himself to the side of Daigotsu and Fu Leng...of course he bit you!  I told you to be more careful around the Nezumi; they've even got a courtier nowadays!  And the evil ones are, quite naturally, much worse!

Mat'check (pausing): Actually, Mat'check's tribe no longer serve Dark God's servant.

Kakita Brent: What?  What made this happen?

Mat'check: Dark-God-Dream-Servant have many things going for him that Clans don't.  Good health plan, even by Nezzumi standards, plus nice temple.  Lots of good-good words, much smarter than samurai mostly.  But Stained Paw realized something...Shadowlands not have enough loot for Nezumi.  Actually, Shadowlands not have much loot at all, save for Crab-stolen and old Emperor's sword.  Empire where the good swag is.

Kakita Brent: I'm sure what he meant was that he finally understands the dangers of courting the powers of evil...

Mat'check (looking over Togashi Daisho): Nice sword.  How much-much it worth?

Bayushi James (moving to protect daisho stand): I'm not sure whether to be happy or to set up security cameras.

Mat'check: That reminds Mat'check...hand over some salad spoons.

Bayushi James (puffing himself up): You dare to make demands of the Dragon Clan, Ratling?  And what if we refuse?

Mat'check (shrugging): Maybe Stained Paw come and settle in-in Dragon lands.  Hang around here...some-some shiny things get broken...go missing, maybe...maybe-maybe something falls down, crushes temple...crushes Scorpion...

Bayushi James (looking back to Brent): I believe that we have severally underestimated this Ratling...

Kakita Brent: Would you like me to get the salad spoons, or should I, o' fearless leader?

Bayushi James(after Brent leaves to collect spoons): Wait a minute, Mat'check...if you're not the ambassador from Fu Leng, where is he?

* * * *

Shahai: We're lost.

Tsukuro: We're not lost.  Well, I mean, we are Lost, but not lost in the geographical sense.

Shahai: I am so tired of that joke, Tsukuro!  WE-ARE-LOST-IN-EVERY-SENSE-OF-THE-WORD!

Tsukuro (defensively):  I know where we are!

Shahai (rolling eyes): Isn't this how you ended up in the Shadowlands in the first place, Tsukuro?  With your luck we're going to run into Yasuki Hachi again!  Ask for directions already!  There's a little Mirumoto guy right over there!

Tsukuro (flailing arms): Curse you, woman, I know where we are!

The End (for now...)