An Interview with the Hooded Ronin

 

Mirumoto Chris: Please?!? If we don't do this for Lord Hoshi, he will demote me back to janitor…

Kakita Brent: I'd like to say that I feel your pain, but I really don't. Besides, ever since Hitomi was chosen to be a Thunder I've had less and less faith in his wisdom.

Mirumoto Chris: Lord Hoshi and Lady Moon…er, Hitomi are fine examples of the Dragon. Treat them with the proper respect, please.

Kakita Brent: I'm not getting into another Hitomi argument with you! Anyway, let's just get this over with before that Bloodsword guy gets back and asks for money…did you lock the doors this time?

Mirumoto Chris: Um…be right back.

<scamper, click, lock, click, scamper>

Mirumoto Chris: Yes.

Kakita Brent: By the by, when was Hoshi's interviewee supposed to get here?

<Knock, Knock, Knock>

Kakita Brent: Oh, never mind…congratulations, Chris…you just locked Shinsei outside.

Mirumoto Chris: Er…be right back.

<scamper, click, lock, click, scamper>

Mirumoto Chris (bowing deeply): Gomen nasai, Shinsei-sama! I did not mean to lock you out…I mean there is this guy who delivered a Blood…

Kakita Brent (elbowing Chris in stomach): …sword-keeper-awayer. Yeah, that sounds non-incriminating.

Hooded Ronin: The way of darkness always brings great power…the way of darkness always brings a great price.

Kakita Brent: I already don't like where this conversation is going. It's going to be like interviewing a bow of fortune cookies…

Mirumoto Chris (nodding): I see...of course…your wisdom is profound, o' great master.

Mirumoto Chris: But on to other matters. We understand that you are THE descendent of Shinsei, the one responsible for choosing the Seven Thunders to save our Empire in its hour of greatest need. Where do you go during the "off-season?" I mean, when you are not setting up heroes to save the Empire.

Hooded Ronin: Nothgar, naturally. The landscape is beautiful with the brewing storms just over the horizon. One can almost feel the lifeforce in the air. You really should visit sometime.

Kakita Brent: Er…sure. No problem.

Mirumoto Chris (pouring over maps): Nothgar…Nothgar. I've got nothing. Stupid Unicorn maps…no wonder it took them eight hundred years to make it back here!

Kakita Brent: Enough geography. Okay, don't take this personally…but what is the deal with your eyes? I mean, glowing eyes are standard for Oracles and Dragons and such…but is it required for descendents of Shinsei too?

Hooded Ronin: Do not be bothered by that. It is merely a consequence of my wizardly powers, nothing more.

Mirumoto Chris: Wizard? Can they cast shugenja spells, too? Our Secrets on the Wind is on the fritz.

Kakita Brent: Whoa… whoa. "Nothrog"…."wizards?" I knew there would be some weirdness, what with you being Shinsei and all, but this is too much.

Mirumoto Chris: Somehow, I feel betrayed…

Hooded Ronin: Well, boys…if there is one thing that Shinsei knows, it's when to move on. The time has come to trade in your samurai, your monks, your huddled Scorpion yearning to breathe free…for fighter levels, armor class, and necromantic elves. Join me, my people!

Mirumoto Chris: "Elves?" Are they a minor clan?

Hooded Ronin: No…and no longer will there be "clans." Now, there will only be "factions!" And furthermore, you will no longer be forced to bow…now you will be spent! Shinsei has spoken!

Kakita Brent (drumming fingers on daisho stand): I can handle all that…but one question, one pivotal question, remains. Will there be duels?

Hooded Ronin: There is no need for duels when there are ranks. And furthermore, replace that silly curved sword with this shiny, new "Longsword." After all, the both of you should be at least 4th level.

Mirumoto Chris: Oooooh…shiny.

Kakita Brent: OH-MY-KAMI!

Mirumoto Chris (serious): Now, you've done it. You went and insulted his sword…no good will come of this. Whatever happened to that vaunted "wisdom" anyway?

Kakita Brent: All I can say is that this new world of yours had better have some version of "Feign Death," as that is your only chance. Personally, I would never trade in my katana, my pastel blue kimono, and even these stupid flippy shoes…

Mirumoto Chris: …actually, they are called "zori…"

Kakita Brent: Shut up. Anyway, I will give up Rokugan only after I have sworn off both violence AND caffeine, and you're about to see that I'm nowhere near off of one of those!

Mirumoto Chris: Take that, you necromantic Elf-clan traitor!

Hooded Ronin: Well then, no longswords for you! But I will have the last laugh…have you not realized the fact that there have been no major wars, insurrections, or Emperor slayings in months?

Mirumoto Chris: Not really, news travels slow up here.

Kakita Brent: Besides, what is wrong with having a little peace? It seems that there has been nothing but war, war, war for the longest time. This peace seems like a nice vacation.

Hooded Ronin: You fools! Do you not realize that Rokugan is doomed without conflict? I mean, what kind of a storyline is "peace?" This world needs, nay requires violence and strife! Without that we are doomed to stagnation and death, just like…

Mirumoto Chris: Spellfire?

Kakita Brent: Doomtown?

Hooded Ronin: Exactly! It is time to abandon this sinking ship, to seek refuge in the greener pastures of Warlord! Cast off your funny man-dresses and join me in a life of pinching chainmail and ill-fitting pants!

Kakita Brent (cracking knuckles): Okay, Chuckles…out you go.

Mirumoto Chris (calling after Shinsei): It's not a dress! It's a kimono…a MANLY kimono!

Mirumoto Chris: I miss Togashi…he never tried to make me play Warlord.

Kakita Brent (returning to Interviewing Room): Yeah…but I doubt Togashi would have skipped thirteen times on his way down the mountain. Stupid monk…wizard…whatever.

Mirumoto Chris: Well, folks…no matter what distributors or ancient spiritual leaders say, we will not abandon you or this wonderful world. We will see you again, promise!

 

The End (No, not Really)