Another Interview
Originally Intended to be with Toku
No
Picture Available
Kakita
Brent: I don’t see why you’re so intent on interviewing this guy!
He didn’t show once…he had his chance!
I mean, its Toku, for goodness sakes!
The ninja have to have gotten him by now!
Mirumoto
Christopher: Apparently not. He
said he’d show up today…he even sounded kinda intimidating…
Kakita
Brent (looking skeptic): Are we talking about the same Toku?
Mirumoto
Christopher: Of course…and here he is, back by popular demand…
Kakita
Brent: Whose demand?
Mirumoto
Christopher: Exactly. Toku-san…oops,
I mean Toku-SAMA…how’s things?
Toku:
Well, first of all, I would like to invite all of you to join the Monkey
Clan.
Kakita
Brent: Nah, not going to be doing that anytime soon. But I was wondering, how comes that place anyway?
Toku:
What place?
Mirumoto
Christopher: …Umm, the Vigilant Keep of the Monkey.
Toku:
Aaahhhh…of course…I would know that. It
is mine, after all.
Kakita
Brent: I don’t think he’s getting enough oxygen.
Mirumoto
Christopher: No, he’s always like this.
Toku, I was wondering…how many people are actually in the Monkey Clan?
I mean, you’ve got a nice place, but I never see anyone around when I
visit.
Toku:
…Well, there’s me…and um, that sneering guy…and you two!
Kakita
Brent: We are not Monkey Clan!
Mirumoto
Christopher: We have it on good authority that you are something of a
duelist…and people have been wondering for a long time, so we’ll clear the
air. How did you defeat Yoritomo
Tsuyu?
Kakita
Brent: A duelist? Him?
His chi is like three.
Toku
(standing proud): Well, it was very simple.
I merely drew my katana, took a masterful stance and Tsuyu could see by
look in my eyes that he could not find victory…
Kakita
Brent: “Masterful?”
Mirumoto
Christopher: How much sake did you have before this alleged “duel?”
Toku:
I’ve told you! I beat him,
fair and square! And anyone that
says otherwise will face the wrath of the Li…uh, Monkey Clan.
Kakita
Brent: What was that? He said
something else, before Monkey.
Mirumoto
Christopher (whispering): Something is terribly wrong…I think that the
Shadow got Toku after all…
Toku:
What’s going on, guys? Are we
finished here, because I have some chicks waiting down the mountain?
Kakita
Brent: Hmmm…I do believe you’re right…
So “Toku,” if that is your real name, what is Lord Toturi’s middle
name?
Toku:
Alice.
Mirumoto
Christopher: OK…lucky guess. Describe
Oni no Tsuburu’s gullet…in detail.
Toku:
It is…um, gooey…and stuff…wait a minute, why would I, a mighty
warrior, know that?
Kakita
Brent (lifting bokken): I knew it! Imposter!
CRACK!
SMASH! BIFF!
Toku:
That really hurt, you son-of-a-$*%&#!!!
I’ll kick your namby-pamby Crane A** for sure, now!
Mirumoto
Christopher: Wait…the cursing…the lack of childlike tears…
YOU’RE NOT TOKU!
Toku
(fidgeting): Of course I am…go Monkey Clan.
Kakita
Brent (getting real katana): Only one way to be certain…
Toku
(panicked): But I’m short and weak and everything!!
Mirumoto
Christopher: Silence, tricky oni! Reveal
yourself, or I’ll call Hoshi!
-
Toku removes face -
Kakita
Brent: I think I've already seen this movie...
Mirumoto
Christopher: Gasp! That wussy,
Crane-like face…
Kakita
Brent: Hey!
Mirumoto
Christopher: …Sorry. Anyway,
those slender arms, that crooked smile…it can only be one man…
Kitsu
Osen: Yes, it is I, err it is me! Kitsu
Osen, Master Spy of the Mon…dang, Lion Clan!
Kakita
Brent: The Kitsu have spies now? What,
aren’t the Oni enough?
Kitsu
Osen: Silence, foolish Crane! Know
that it was I, err, me who recovered the Ancestral Sword of the Lion from your
general’s hand!
Mirumoto
Christopher: You had the Lion sword?
Kakita
Brent: We had the Lion sword?
Kitsu
Osen: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Mirumoto
Christopher (with fake smile): Umm…OK…getting a little afraid…Still
got that Kakita blade handy?
Kakita
Brent: Need you ask?
Kitsu
Osen: Fools! Your puny weapons
cannot harm me!
SLICE!
Kitsu
Osen: I stand corrected…they appear to do minor damage…to useless, extra
organs…
Mirumoto
Christopher: I think he still believes that he’s winning.
One quick question, Osen, before you faint from blood loss…
Kitsu
Osen: …Bwa, ha, ha…whoa…head rush…
Mirumoto
Christopher: How long have you been impersonating a Daidoji?
Was there some kind of Master Plan associated with all this, and if so,
what was it?
Kitsu
Osen (whispering ominously): …I have practiced and watched for years.
Now, I know their secrets…I can defeat any of their secret sword
techniques!!! Banzai!
-
1.43 seconds later -
Kakita
Brent (standing over prone Osen): I think he just read the cliff notes.
Mirumoto
Christopher: At any rate, he’s in no condition to answer anymore
questions. Better call the shugenja…oh,
drattit…
Kakita
Brent (stepping outside): I’m sure there’s still a few around
here…hang on…
Mirumoto
Christopher: OK, this didn’t work out like I planned, but trust me
folks…we will, one day, have the honor of interviewing the REAL Toku!
I promise! Until next time,
I’m Mirumoto Christopher, and that was Kakita Brent…
Kitsu
Osen: …And I’m…Toku
Mirumoto
Christopher: Right…anyway, good night everybody!
The
End (for now)