Another Interview Originally Intended to be with Toku

 

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Kakita Brent: I don’t see why you’re so intent on interviewing this guy!  He didn’t show once…he had his chance!  I mean, its Toku, for goodness sakes!  The ninja have to have gotten him by now!

Mirumoto Christopher: Apparently not.  He said he’d show up today…he even sounded kinda intimidating…

Kakita Brent (looking skeptic): Are we talking about the same Toku?

Mirumoto Christopher: Of course…and here he is, back by popular demand…

Kakita Brent: Whose demand?

Mirumoto Christopher: Exactly.  Toku-san…oops, I mean Toku-SAMA…how’s things?

Toku: Well, first of all, I would like to invite all of you to join the Monkey Clan.

Kakita Brent: Nah, not going to be doing that anytime soon.  But I was wondering, how comes that place anyway?

Toku: What place?

Mirumoto Christopher: …Umm, the Vigilant Keep of the Monkey.

Toku: Aaahhhh…of course…I would know that.  It is mine, after all.

Kakita Brent: I don’t think he’s getting enough oxygen.

Mirumoto Christopher: No, he’s always like this.  Toku, I was wondering…how many people are actually in the Monkey Clan?  I mean, you’ve got a nice place, but I never see anyone around when I visit.

Toku: …Well, there’s me…and um, that sneering guy…and you two!

Kakita Brent: We are not Monkey Clan!

Mirumoto Christopher: We have it on good authority that you are something of a duelist…and people have been wondering for a long time, so we’ll clear the air.  How did you defeat Yoritomo Tsuyu?

Kakita Brent: A duelist?  Him?  His chi is like three.

Toku (standing proud): Well, it was very simple.  I merely drew my katana, took a masterful stance and Tsuyu could see by look in my eyes that he could not find victory…

Kakita Brent: “Masterful?”

Mirumoto Christopher: How much sake did you have before this alleged “duel?”

Toku: I’ve told you!  I beat him, fair and square!  And anyone that says otherwise will face the wrath of the Li…uh, Monkey Clan.

Kakita Brent: What was that?  He said something else, before Monkey.

Mirumoto Christopher (whispering): Something is terribly wrong…I think that the Shadow got Toku after all…

Toku: What’s going on, guys?  Are we finished here, because I have some chicks waiting down the mountain?

Kakita Brent: Hmmm…I do believe you’re right…  So “Toku,” if that is your real name, what is Lord Toturi’s middle name?

Toku: Alice.

Mirumoto Christopher: OK…lucky guess.  Describe Oni no Tsuburu’s gullet…in detail.

Toku: It is…um, gooey…and stuff…wait a minute, why would I, a mighty warrior, know that?

Kakita Brent (lifting bokken): I knew it!  Imposter!

 

CRACK!  SMASH!  BIFF!

 

Toku: That really hurt, you son-of-a-$*%&#!!!  I’ll kick your namby-pamby Crane A** for sure, now!

Mirumoto Christopher: Wait…the cursing…the lack of childlike tears…  YOU’RE NOT TOKU!

Toku (fidgeting): Of course I am…go Monkey Clan.

Kakita Brent (getting real katana): Only one way to be certain…

Toku (panicked): But I’m short and weak and everything!! 

Mirumoto Christopher: Silence, tricky oni!  Reveal yourself, or I’ll call Hoshi!

 

- Toku removes face -

Kakita Brent: I think I've already seen this movie...

Mirumoto Christopher: Gasp!  That wussy, Crane-like face…

Kakita Brent: Hey!

Mirumoto Christopher: …Sorry.  Anyway, those slender arms, that crooked smile…it can only be one man…

Kitsu Osen: Yes, it is I, err it is me!  Kitsu Osen, Master Spy of the Mon…dang, Lion Clan!

Kakita Brent: The Kitsu have spies now?  What, aren’t the Oni enough?

Kitsu Osen: Silence, foolish Crane!  Know that it was I, err, me who recovered the Ancestral Sword of the Lion from your general’s hand!

Mirumoto Christopher: You had the Lion sword?

Kakita Brent: We had the Lion sword?

Kitsu Osen: Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Mirumoto Christopher (with fake smile): Umm…OK…getting a little afraid…Still got that Kakita blade handy?

Kakita Brent: Need you ask?

Kitsu Osen: Fools!  Your puny weapons cannot harm me!

 

SLICE!

 

Kitsu Osen: I stand corrected…they appear to do minor damage…to useless, extra organs…

Mirumoto Christopher: I think he still believes that he’s winning.  One quick question, Osen, before you faint from blood loss…

Kitsu Osen: …Bwa, ha, ha…whoa…head rush…

Mirumoto Christopher: How long have you been impersonating a Daidoji?  Was there some kind of Master Plan associated with all this, and if so, what was it?

Kitsu Osen (whispering ominously): …I have practiced and watched for years.  Now, I know their secrets…I can defeat any of their secret sword techniques!!!  Banzai!

 

- 1.43 seconds later -

 

Kakita Brent (standing over prone Osen): I think he just read the cliff notes.

Mirumoto Christopher: At any rate, he’s in no condition to answer anymore questions.  Better call the shugenja…oh, drattit…

Kakita Brent (stepping outside): I’m sure there’s still a few around here…hang on…

Mirumoto Christopher: OK, this didn’t work out like I planned, but trust me folks…we will, one day, have the honor of interviewing the REAL Toku!  I promise!  Until next time, I’m Mirumoto Christopher, and that was Kakita Brent…

Kitsu Osen: …And I’m…Toku 

Mirumoto Christopher: Right…anyway, good night everybody!

 

 

The End (for now)