An Interview with Toturi Tsudao

Bayushi James (staring in shock): No way did that just happen...

Kakita Brent: So she just slashed open the doors...and part of the walls.  She's one of Toturi's kids, James; their freakish power is just something that you have to accept.

Bayushi James: I would be able to accept it a lot easier if she wasn't approaching us menacingly with that sword...

Kakita Brent (totally calm): Don't worry, it's Toturi Tsudao...she's not known for successfully eliminating her enemies.

Toturi Tsudao (lowering sword): What is that supposed to mean?

Kakita Brent: Well, you didn't kill or chase down Daigotsu, you never did seem to make much of a dent in the Tsuno problem despite wasting months on it...and heck, you failed to get rid of Junnosuke twice!  Being your enemy is pretty safe, now that I think about it.

Toturi Tsudao (fidgeting with sword): Well, um...it, it's just not like I can just go around killing people because I'm stronger than them, right...

Bayushi James: No way she's really Toturi's kid.  Must have been adopted or something.

Kakita Brent: Take a seat, Tsudao-sama.  I don't think that this is a problem that requires a fatal stabbing...and besides, we're remarkably difficult to destroy.  What's your take on the current political situation?  I think that it's fair to say that your brothers aren't going to cede to your claim to the throne...

Bayushi James (looking through maps): Which is playing havoc with these maps...which capital is it today?  Strange how they all demand taxes, but none want the congestion or the crime...

Toturi Tsudao (rubbing eyes): I don't know anymore.  It's not like we talk or anything; heck, the last three letters I sent to Kaneka came back saying "bite me, sucker!"

Kakita Brent: Considering the Shogun's mentality, I'm betting it was delivered by being thrown at your window tied to a brick...

Toturi Tsudao: It gets worse!  The Celestial Heavens are being attacked, and Naseru just goes about his daily business like there's nothing wrong!  Is it just me, or has no one else noticed that this place is falling apart?

Bayushi James: Actually, we've been saying that from the beginning...it's just that the anti-hero club feels like now is a good time to beat the Jigoku out of one another.  Anyway, I thought that you were supposed to be "Amaterasu reborn" or something like that.  Doesn't that mean that you should have some kind of weird powers to help you fight the evils of the Shadowlands?  Fireballs, a touch of purity, or something?

Toturi Tsudao: Well, regardless of the weather, I always have a healthy, subtle tan.  That and sometimes I can see the future, but it's usually too vague to help...

Kakita Brent: The last guy with that kind of power was the one who beaned you on the way up.  OK so, no cooperation, no useful powers, no real previous accomplishments worth noting...so, what's your plan now?

Toturi Tsudao (fidgeting with daisho stand): Well, politics are hard, so...I was...thinking about getting everyone together and...going out to hunt Tsuno again...

Kakita Brent: O...MY...KAMI.  You can't be serious.

Bayushi James: You just spent three expansions wandering around randomly attacking things while occasionally arguing with random Crane Clan guys!  You can't just go back from being the Empress in favor of the old standard violence because "politics are hard!"  What kind of ruler are you?

Toturi Tsudao: Well, it was Aikune's idea...

Bayushi James: Aikune's a psychopath!  He melted half the Mirumoto with that Wish thing!

Kakita Brent: You'd better listen to him, Tsudao-sama; James knows evil.  He's a Kolat.

Toturi Tsudao: No, it wasn't Aikune's fault!  It was the Last Wish!

Kakita Brent: Yeah yeah, and Kurohito's not a jerk, it's his sword too.  It was bad enough when people were blaming the ninja for all of their problems, but to blame a sword...speaking of swords, where'd you get that Kakita blade?

Toturi Tsudao: The Crane gave it to me.  They promised to serve me as the Empress...

Bayushi James: And I'll bet you promptly failed to help them with their Yasuki "issues."

Toturi Tsudao: Well, Paneki said...

Kakita Brent (interrupting): Do you make ANY of your own decisions, Tusdao?

Toturi Tsudao: Well I...wait a minute...where is Paneki?  I came up here to find him after he didn't show up outside my shower or in my closet.  It was creepy, because either he's there, or at the very least he steals some of my underwear...

Kakita Brent: OK, the thing about that is...

* * *

Bayushi James: I can't believe that you told her!  And she didn't lay a finger on us!

Kakita Brent (leafing through magazine): I told you, it's Toturi Tsudao.  Being her enemies just means that we'll have to put up with the occasional inept attacks Toturi Miyako or Doji Jotaro.  Heck, even if those breasts and that tight armor DO get her the throne, I'll bet that her rivals will still be around!

Bayushi James: I guess that's true...hey, I guess this makes us villains, huh.

Kakita Brent: That it does, James.  That is does.

Bayushi James (with teary eyes): I've never been so happy...

The End (for now...)