An Interview with Daidoji Uji (as requested by Daidoji Gisei)

Kakita Brent: I'm telling you, I don't remember a thing since he dropped the Bloodsword off! And besides, the Temple hasn't looked more structurally sound in months…so what are you complaining about?

Mirumoto Christopher (from top of cabinet): I don't care! I'm staying up here!

Bayushi James (looking up from paper): Try and take his posters; that'll get him down. In fact, go in his room, right now! That's should jog the old memory.

Kakita Brent (confused): OK, then…

Mirumoto Christopher (lunging from cabinet, slow motion style): NOOOOOOOOOOO!

WHAM!

Kakita Brent: Man, that looks like it really hurt…I told you we should have moved that weapon rack…

Bayushi James: Problem solved.

Mirumoto Christopher: The crows are flying, flying to the distant mountains…again.

Kakita Brent: Well, at any rate, you should go and get ready. I was checking the old appointment book, and our next guest is due to be here any minute. It's Daidoji Uji, so I expect you to be on your best behavior.

Mirumoto Christopher: Aren't I always?

Bayushi James (returning to paper): Nope…too easy…

Mirumoto Christopher: Wait a minute…Daidoji Uji…? Isn't he dead too?

<Cavalcade of fireworks, explosions and shiny things>

Daidoji Uji (appearing next to Christopher): Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Mirumoto Christopher: AHHH!

Bayushi James: Before this goes too far…guys? Oh, heck…should've asked earlier…I'm never going to get paid… Well, time to make to best of a bad situation…off to raid the fridge!

Mirumoto Christopher: <blink, blink> You're dead.

Daidoji Uji: Obviously you didn't hear me just now.

Kakita Brent: Please don't get him started, Uji-sama…I thought that you were, well…dead. According to our reports, you died valiantly in the Spirit Wars, fighting against Tsuneo's legions.

Daidoji Uji: Funny story. Just because the explosion killed the OTHER three hundred combatants, people start going and forming their own opinions…

Kakita Brent: Well, that makes sense…as much as anything around here does…

Mirumoto Christopher: So, Uji-sama, we've been told that you, more than most Crane, have a special bond to your ancestors…is this true, or are you just talking to walls like Scorpion on opium binges?

Daidoji Uji (eyes glaring): Shut up. <Turns to empty right side> You too.

Kakita Brent: …Well, they say madness and genius are closely related. Anyway, I've been wondering…let's see if I've got your recent history right. Fought with Kuwanan against Yoritomo…helped claim Scorpion lands…fought Lion in Shiro no Yojin…fought against the Shadow at Volturnum…

Daidoji Uji: That's pretty good…what are you getting at?

Kakita Brent: Why no Experienced 2 card?

Mirumoto Christopher: Stop bridging realities! We've been warned…repeatedly!

Daidoji Uji: No, it's alright. The Man has kept me silent long enough…

Mirumoto Christopher: Yoritomo?

Daidoji Uji (rolling eyes): Wrong man. You see, it all started at the Hidden Emperor I staff meeting. Shizue says, "This new battle is all about ninjas…opinions?" I, not really liking ninjas, exclaimed, 'Ninjas! We don't need no stinking ninjas!'  In retrospect, I probably should have kept my mouth shut...

Kakita Brent: O MY KAMI! I'm surprised she didn't drop on rock on you or something!

Mirumoto Christopher: She can do that, too! Have you read her Experienced 2 card?

Bayushi James (from kitchen): Hey guys, where's the SQUEEZY CHEESE?

Daidoji Uji: You have Squeezy Cheese?

Mirumoto Christopher: No…and you can't have mine, anyway.

Kakita Brent: Well, anyway…now that you're "dead," and Rekai has become the new Daidoji daimyo…what's the plan for the future? I'm hoping that it's not going to involve more <shudder> Squeezy Cheese…

Daidoji Uji: I think I've been warlike and sneaky long enough, Kakita-san. It's time to kick back, relax, and finally get rid of this clunky, though bad-ass, helmet.

<Uji removes helmet>

Mirumoto Christopher (shocked and amazed): Sweet Shinsei, it's Russell Crowe!

Daidoji Uji: No I'm not! What's a Russell?

Kakita Brent: That's why you really got no Experienced 2 card!

Bayushi James (from kitchen again): Ask him about The Quick and the Dead!!! That movie rocks!

Daidoji Uji: This is why I never take the mask off…you people are all nuts.

Mirumoto Christopher: Can I have your autograph, Mister Crowe?

Daidoji Uji: Here, hold this.

Mirumoto Christopher: Wow, look at it spark!

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mirumoto Christopher (again on cabinet…now smoking): Owwwwwww…  I miss Togashi...he never tried to detonate me...

Kakita Brent (looking around): Uji-sama? Where'd he go?

Bayushi James: My Squeezy Cheese! NOOOO! Give that back, you Scorpion-envy wuss! Oooo, shiny!

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

Kakita Brent (shaking head): So much for the building's structural integrity being up to code…if you'd like to know more about Daidoji Uji or Russell Crowe, visit your local video store.

Bayushi James (voice floating in from smoldering kitchen): Dude, that was just like the end of the movie…so cool…

The End (for now…)

This Interview has been brought to you by Squeezy Cheese. If it's almost food, but not quite.